I had to have a drink because I was about to jump out of my skin. I promised myself no drinks for 14 days, just because there's no need to drink all the time, or even oncea week… and as we know, alcohol is a depressant, not the best choice for a depressed person. But I can't make it. I am too sad and alone and I just want to feel happy for a little while. I tried my usual shots of caffeine, some chips and candy, not helping. I am out of money so I can't shop. What's left? A drink or two.

SoI had 2 dreams about Kyle this week. 2 dreams and a blocked ID call on Mondaywhich I know was not him, but I found myself pretending it was.I want to scream. I want to cry. I have tried to accept that I will always love him and that is that, but it's not working. I think of him all the time and I miss him so much. I think about how he's not a kid anymore, I think about how disgusting I am to him and how useless and even non-existantand then I think of how there's no one else in the whole world I could ever see myself with. No one else comes close.

Then I realize I told him all ofthat in the letter, I told him everything, I told him how I feel, he knows, he knows for certain now, buthe doesn't care, it doesn't concern him, there's nothing he can do about it anyway.

The first dream was pretty cool, because Kyle and I were still only friends. I wanted him back, yes, but I was ok, something like the dreams where I am ok, I am not a mess, I can somehow accept myself and even better, assert myself and live in the world. See, in reality, I'm just a shadow. But in my dreams I am heard. People respect me. I respect myself. It's a helluva thing.

Anyway, the first dream Kyle was coming over and I was nervous, but I had it together and I was putting some make up on. Finally we saw eachother and I hugged him, told him it was good to see him. He was all warm and cuddly like he used to feel like.

Then in Last night's dream, itwas interesting because I dreamed that we got back together and he was not perfect, which I guess he wasn't and still isn't because really, no one is… but I was thinking of how to be more patient with him and let the little,unimportant, irritatingthings go because I didn't want to lose him again. Then I was thinking of getting pregnant and if that was a good idea because I wasn't sure our kid would be ok… basically the things I thought while we were together, only I was smarter now and I knew how to appreciate him more. I was happy again until I woke up.

And that's it. I just want to escape sometimes. No matter how I can.