Okay, so this is my first blog.  Where to begin. . . so many things to think about, discuss, talk about.  I won’t hit it all here, but want to put the main things down on "paper" – maybe it will help.

I’d have to think the depression gig started a little over a decade ago while I was in college.  I could never draft myself out of bed.  If I had my way, I would just sleep and watch tv.  And, in fact, I did a lot of this.  When I wasn’t at work – because I had to work to survive – I was in my dorm room, or my apartment bedroom.  I wasn’t attending my classes and, thus, not passing my classes.  I managed to go a good 3 years of college not passing classes before I was effectively put on notice.

At this point, I just told my parents I graduated and moved on my merry little way to a full time job.  All those years my parents paid my housing and tuition and I was just a worthless blob.

I dated a guy during those 5 years.  Him coming home with an STD during those 5 years didn’t help things, but I got him back.  We were engaged and I cheated on him with some other man that promised me the golden city.  This man taught me how to manage my money, taught me indepdence, helped me lose weight and get in better shape, helped me become a better employee, and helped me feel better about myself…  of course, 2 months after I called off the wedding and moved out from my first place and in with this man, he broke the news to me that he didn’t know if he could date me anymore if I didn’t get a better hold on my money.  I was devistated.  He had promised me the rest of his life, no exceptions.  Two months later there was an exception.  A couple months after that he asked me to move out, but said he still wanted to date me.  I moved out.  We still dated, but he would choose to do things like change his car oil over spending an evening with me.  On New Years Day he informed me that he wanted to go home and clean his house and he would see me later in the week.  With no family in the area, and my friends busy with their own loved ones, I spent New Years Day by myself.  I broke up with him.

A couple months later I met a new guy.  He wasn’t my type at all – I would’ve never dated him – but he was nice, and he made me feel good about myself.  So, we dated for two years, but only a few months after our engagement and buying a condo together I realized there was no way it was going to work.  To begin, I don’t think I was ever all that attracted to him, but moreso, his mom was a lying bitch (sorry for the language, but there is no better word) who claimed that I said and did things that weren’t even close to the truth.  He believed her, and I told him that I couldn’t marry someone that didn’t know me well enough to know I wouldn’t do or say the things I was accused of.

He bought me out of my share of the condo and I was homeless, again.

A month or so into my new place I met another person.  At this point I was very much against a serious relationship.  But, I truly fell in love.  This man was handsome, funny, passionate, friendly, sweet, extremely caring and just beautiful inside and out.  After a year of dating we became engaged and a half year after that, married.  And, I’m happy with him.  The marriage is going right, and should be enough to forget about the hardships I went through with the other men.  Not enough, though, to forget about my complete and utter failure at college.  To this day, my parents think I have a degree.

Last year I was rushed to the ER with a blood clot in my brain.  Turns out I have a genetic disposition to have blood that clots more than the average person.  But, after a 1/2 year on coumadin it dissolved and life is back to normal.

My job is whatever.  It’s a dead end, legal secretary, but it pays enough at 50K.  They laid off 5 legal secretaries last week, but I work hard and I’m competent.  I feel mostly secure about my job.

My husband and I have about 52K in credit card debt.  Yes, that’s a shit ton.  I’m sure it contributes to my depression, but honestly I’m not too upset about it.  It is what it is.  We paid for our wedding ourselves with no help from anyone.  We had a lot of pressures about what we needed to have and what not. . . mostly we did it our way with just the two of us getting married in Hawaii.  That was about 10K in debt, but it was a week long vacation as well and very nice.  We spent another 15K in debt for our reception.  . . it made our friends and family happy, though, and it was a nice time.  The rest of the debt was just us being irresponsible.  I can’t say anything more than that.

My husband lost his job on Friday of last week.  He’s on payroll until February, though, and at that point he gets an "enhanced" severance package.  He heard it’s 20 weeks of pay.  So, that’s nice as long as he finds a new job before the money runs out.  He’s been looking for a job for 5 months now, though.  He’s going to school right now, too.  He wants to become a doctor.  He has a business degree, so he’s at a community college trying to get his science classes done so he can take the MCAT.  We can enroll him full time and take out student loans if it comes to it.  His parents also offered to pay for his med school.  So, that’s nice.

I’m taking classes, too.  I’m in French, where I’m pulling a high A and I’m in Biology where I’m pulling a C.  The Biology is frustrating me.  At first, I showed up to every single class, read all of the chapters, did all of the homework and took notes.  But, I bombed the first two quizzes.  At that point I missed about four classes because I saw no point in trying.  I’ve turned it around, though, and have been attending religiously.  But, I got a C on my midterm where the rest of the class is pulling As with wost test scores.  Apparently the grade is random, and the teacher can put down whatever he wants.  Well, I yelled at him for that.  I’m sure I guaranteed a worse grade.  It’s not a big deal, but this is HUGE to me.  I’m smart, smarter than many of these other students, and I have a C.  And, it’s at a freakin’ inner city community college.  Nothing makes me feel like more of a failure.  And, I’m especially upset that I lost it and yelled at the teacher, even throwing in an explicitive.  I sealed my bad grade fate.  I also realized I have zero control over my emotions.  And, when did that happen?  When did I become the negative person that yells at other people?  I don’t even know myself anymore.

And, I get upset at my husband when things aren’t perfect.  And, believe me, he’s not perfect.  He has melted a refrigerator shelf, scratched the floor, attempted to fix the floor, made the floor worse. .  there goes my $1600 deposit.  He has punched a hole in the wall. .  he has driven my car into a pole putting a puncture hole in the front spoiler.  . he donated my dry cleaning (my favorite dress and pairs of pants!) because he got it confused with the clothes for donation – no, they can’t locate the donation.  He’s always messing stuff up.  He’s scatter brained.  I try to be open minded about his mistakes, but when the little things are wrong I get annoyed.  And, he can tell I’m annoyed and then he gets upset.  I’m always upsetting him.  I’m always annoyed because nothing is ever perfect.

Since when did I care about things being perfect?

And, I’m negative.  I complain all day at work.  Half the time my boss doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.  Other times he rolls his eyes at me or talks down to me.  Some days I hate him.  One of my co-workers makes 15K more than me and is dumb as a box of rocks.  She comes in to work late ever day and takes 2 hour lunch hours.  But, I guess she lies on her time sheet, because they never say anything to her.  I got called into the management office last week for having 33 unpaid hours.  I should’ve been called in. . . I can’t get my work hours right because there are days I just dont’ feel like coming into work.  I have got to get my act together.

My dog needs a $5,000 surgery.  I love him.  He’s the only thing that has stood by me through all my college and post-college yeras.  After breaking up with the first fiance my parents even stopped talking to me for a few weeks.  My dog hase a pinched nerve in his back and can barely walk.  He can’t jump anymore, either.   I love him so much, though.  He has to have that surgery.  🙁

My parents are getting divorced.  They were married for 35 years.  I never knew this until last fall, but my Dad has had multiple affairs throughout those 35 years.  My mom has stayed with him for the sake of the kids.  Last fall he told her he didn’t know if he loved her anymore – he was likely cheating on her again.  She attemptd suicide twice.  I took a week off work and stayed with her, while he kicked him out of the house.  I got her to a doctor, to the priest, to a counselor.  She’s doing great now.   She met a man online that she talks with, but she refuses to meet him in person until the divorce is final.  I suppose it will be soon.  My parents are selling my childhood home.

I’ve gained all the weight I lost just after leaving college.  I wear a size 10 again.  I was down to a size 6 last fall.  I’m only gaining, too.  I have no control over my eating and no desire to control my eating.  I also don’t do anything.  I don’t exercise, I barely walk around. . . I’m just going to get fatter.  I have no desire to do anything.

I play World of Warcraft.  So does my husband.  We’re both addicted.  When I get home from work I sit in front of my computer and play the stupid game.  I don’t know how to stop playing.  It’s my escape from my world.  I want to stop, yet I need that game where I feel progress and see me doing things well.

My tail bone hurts.  I don’t know why.  I have to sit in my chair at an angle at all times.  It’s been this way for a year.  I am so sick of the doctor, though, after my blood clot.  I’m afraid to go get it looked into.  My OBGYN says I’ll probably need surgery.  I can’t imagin surgery on my tailbone.  Plus, with work firing the way they are, I’d hate to take a couple days off for this.  Plus, it’s embarrassing to have your tailbone operated on.  I’m afraid to tell anyone about it, except my husband.  It’s starting to hurt even when I lie on my back.  And, the fatter I get, the more it hurts.

My goals:

lose weight, get back down to size 6

stop bothering husband to be perfect

stop hating myself for not being perfect

get tailbone fixed

get degree

get finances under control

get dog fixed

But, where do  I begin.  And, if I fail at any one of these things, I’ll feel worthless and so it continues. Life is easier when you just sit, sleep, coast. . . this is why I don’t bother to fix anything.  If I just keep putting everything off until tomorrow, it will be easier.

1 Comment
  1. angie521 12 years ago

    Wow Ellie, You are having a hard time.I just wanted to let you know I read your blog. Times are hard theses days but hang in there.You have alot of advantages though. It will get better. Angie

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