It was 20 years and one day ago on the eve of the 8th anniversary of the engagement that led to a poor marriage, that my ex asked me for a divorce.

Neither of us had been very happy for a long time, but while I had been willing to work on the marriage, my ex had already thrown in the towel, made a decision, and would not be swayed. It didn't matter that we had two young children, she was never willing during our marriage to go to couples counselling,she would always turn silent rather than let out her feelings and try to work on 'us'.

To this day I think she was being unfair to the kids for doing so.

I also to this day think that she was being unfair to me for never telling me why, never explaining what was wrong, so that maybe I could move on with lessons learned.

My default was to protect my kids, but blame myself. Despite knowing that she pulled the plug, I knew that I was the reason that the marriage failed. It had to be me,.. I failed her, I failed my kids.

Thing is, I have barely matured one inch during these last 20 years.

And today, even though I had a decent day, got back from a good workout walk in the snow, I sit in my chair, alone, and think back 20 years and know one of the things that make Valentine's day such a load of bs to me.

Love is an action word. It ain't a feeling, a rush of endorphins, something you can fall into and out of.

I love my kids, my family, my friends. I try to do for them what I can without any expectation of quid pro quo, because I choose to love them.

So cupid, please take your f'n arrows and shove them where the sun don't shine. I hope anyone that cares to read this understands that I think that romance and romantic love is real, but it is also a choice.

Unfortunately, I also know that good choices are often the most difficult to make.

I down this next drink to all the lovers in the world.


1 Comment
  1. Solo_Hans 11 years ago

    Lexi, you almost make a good point about obsessing, but it is missing context. And I totally disagree with your view of love. If love is something that is sometimes simply gone, and sometimes there is no reason for that loss of 'love' then we are simply at the mercy of romantic 'fate'. As I stated in my post, I disagree with this view. The people I love are people I choose to love. And if I choose to stop loving them, there has to be some very strong reasons for that choice. On this I think we have a different world view. 

    The title of this crap slinging is 'suddenly sad'. I don't dwell on my past life, it just that it occurred to me that its been 20 years ago that this happened. In my mind, I was not fairly dealt with by my ex, but more importantly, my kids got the shitty end of the stick because of her unilateral and uncompromising position. 

    I was actually feeling pretty good yesterday and felt pretty good after I vented these feelings. And if I find in 5 years time that this thought pops up again, I'll vent again, because it's all good. 

    About 5 years ago, I did a lot of soul-searching, and with the help of a wiser-than-her-years friend, owned my bad behaviour (I was at many times during my marriage emotionally abusive) and apologized to my ex for any harm I caused her during our relationship. I owned up to my bad behaviour. It was tough to do, but I did it. I apologized wholly and specifically, no 'buts' or reservations.

    What hurt after that apology was knowing that she will never do likewise. While she never attacked me during that vulnerable moment of apology, she did not offer any counter-apology for any of the words or actions that she took against me those many years ago. Mind you, I never expected her to, but regardless, it still hurt. So, it will for ever be incomplete for me. Either that or I can pretend that there was no two way street in our relationship and that I was the only offending party. It would be easy for me to believe this, given my proclivity to self-guilt, but when everyone who knew us, her parents and friends included thought I was least to blame, I forced myself to look at the situation a little more fairly.

    Anyway, enough of this BS. I've got to go get some more endorphins. My walk is almost overdue and I've got weight to lose, housework to do, and affirmations to speak aloud.  

    You did not come across as unsympathetic, thanks for your comments (it made me defend my comments and defending myself is something I don't do enough) and especially for your well-wishes. 

    Peace and all my best



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