I have had, the worst day. Everything has gone wrong. I can’t do anything right. I’m so tired. tired of everything.. I’m sitting here in tears.

The meeting with my probation officer went horrible.. I ended up talking to him for about an hour. I talked him out of making me see a psycologist. Thats a good thing. I was almost yelling at him a few times. I was so close to crying in front of him. I’m surprised I didn’t. We had a long converstation about me. My least favourite topic. He asked if there were things that I hadn’t talked to the psycologist about. I told him there was, and I didn’t want to talk about it. He tried to get it out of me. I didn’t budge. I told him several times that I didn’t want to talk about it. There were a few times I just wanted to run out of the room and never go back. He asked me about suicide, and if I think about it. I told him everyday. We spoke about this in more detail. He was scared for my safety, when I sat there and told him how much I have thought about it. How I look up how much of things will kill me in an OD. The positives and negatives about different ways of killing myself. He wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself in the next two weeks. That was something I couldn’t promise. Impossible to promise. The new promise is that i’ll call him if i’m going to do something. I doubt I’ll do that either.

As we walked out of his office, he asked me if i’ll be ok.. again another question I can’t answer… as I started walking.. I looked back at him, he had this odd look on his face. I can’t place it. It was an expression I couldn’t understand. It worrys me.

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My mood right now.. on edge… suicidal.. pesimistic… realistic.. depressed… on the brink…. teary….

I have has enough.. enough of everything. It’s so much easier to just give up. I’m not worth anything.. I tried getting better. It didn’t do anything. Just smokescreens and mirrors. Its all one big show. Keep everyone happy Jacqui… Thats all you have to do. Make them think your ok. They don’t know how much you want to scream out and smash everything in the house, including yourself.. they don’t know how much everyday the thoughts of death consume me… whats the point. all I do is cause more work and trouble for everyone… just … stop it…. enough is enough…

if i’m going to kill myself, there is nothing that anyone can do or say that is going to stop it. Thats just the simple nature of it…. To be or not to be.. to die or to live.. .. to jump out this window or not.. to cut myself with this blade or not.. to swallow this pill or not…. simple questions… not so simple answers.

I"m all over the place.. don’t bother with me..