I wish I could start my blog off happy, carefree, and full of confidence, but that is not what I am experiencing this afternoon.
Two days ago I started a new medication and I am adjusting to it. Knocked me out, and I feel like I have been drug through the knot hole backwards. Sometimes I know the medications feel worse then the problem. What have I learned from this constant circle of trying different medications ? I have learned that: patience, courage, a willingness to walk into the unknown is a constant requirement for people who have BP or other challenges.
I know that we are some of the most determined, tough, and resilient people alive. When I think of what each of us faces with this illness, it is a miracle that we can keep going, yet we do. Often I remind myself that I am a warrior, a fighter all the time, and still a gentle loving person. What an amazing combination.
Today I am tired, drained, and in that space where I would just like to walk away into the sunset, disappearring never to be seen again. It almost feels like too much today. Yet, I fight on, doing what I can, and leaving the rest. I feel the tears behind my eyes, and wonder why, hoping they will not come bursting forth into a full blown crying spell that lasts for hours. I know I have some tools to help prevent that from happening. What I don't know is if I am strong enough today to use them
I was 50 before I was finally diagnosed as BP. Since then most of the years I have been pretty stable on different cocktails of: Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Valium
Last summer I felt myself getting seriously manic for the first time in many years. I have always had mixed-mania, with a heavy constant depression underneath. In September I told my pdr that I was manic, and he somehow didn't catch it. It was December before I will taken off the Wellbutrin, and started on Lamactil.
By Feb I will up to 400mg of Lamactil, with a rash on my face, and sick, sick, sick. Dropped the Lamactil down to 150mg and that seems good. 2 days ago, Monday, May 5, I started 2mg of Abilify and it has just knocked me on my butt hard. Today I am just pulling through the day, trying to keep busy and not hit the couch.