I wish I could start my blog off  happy, carefree, and full of confidence, but that is not what I am experiencing this afternoon.

Two days ago I started a new medication and I am adjusting to it.  Knocked me out, and I feel like I have been drug through the knot hole backwards.  Sometimes I know the medications feel worse then the problem.  What have I learned from this constant circle of trying different medications ?   I have learned that:  patience, courage, a willingness to walk into the unknown is a constant requirement for people who have BP or other challenges.

I know that we are some of the most determined, tough, and resilient people alive.  When I think of what each of us faces with this illness, it is a miracle that we can keep going, yet we do.  Often I remind myself that I am a warrior, a fighter all the time, and still a gentle loving person.  What an amazing combination. 

Today I am tired, drained, and in that space where I would just like to walk away into the sunset, disappearring never to be seen again. It almost feels like too much today.  Yet, I fight on, doing what I can, and leaving the rest.  I feel the tears behind my eyes, and wonder why, hoping they will not come bursting forth into a full blown crying spell that lasts for hours.  I know I have some tools to help prevent that from happening.  What I don't know is if I am strong enough today to use them

Some history:

I was 50 before I was finally diagnosed as BP.  Since then most of the years I have been pretty stable on different cocktails of:  Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Valium

Last summer I felt myself getting seriously manic for the first time in many years.  I have always had mixed-mania, with a heavy constant depression underneath.  In September I told my pdr that I was manic, and he somehow didn't catch it.  It was December before I will taken off the Wellbutrin, and started on Lamactil.

By Feb I will up to 400mg of Lamactil, with a rash on my face, and sick, sick, sick.  Dropped the Lamactil down to 150mg and that seems good.  2 days ago, Monday, May 5, I started 2mg of Abilify and it has just knocked me on my butt hard.  Today I am just pulling through the day, trying to keep busy and not hit the couch.