Hurt…yup…left myself a little open and exposed…this is tough…learning to love me, and be ok with me, to trust me, damn even like me.  I allowed myself to get my feeling stepped on today…I cant figure out if I am actally just dissapointed in myself or the other persons actions…I know I will not over think it, but take it for what it is..

     On an unrelated note I have taken 2 of the last 9 tests that I need to complete my AUTO REPAIR TECH Certification…I managed to get 80's on both so I  have an 87 average…which is pretty cool..I should have it completed by the end of july…I also have a Job interview tomorrow for Oswego County Opportunities.  I went back and looked at the quals for the job and apparently they are not too focused on the fact that I do not have a CDL at the moment, not like I can not go and get a permit (its only $10) then pay for the road test and get situated with that…but we shall see.  I got quite upset about not seeing the CDL on the listing made me feel pretty stupid, not stupid but more so just devastated…like there I go again fucking things up…makes me question me….yeah silly I know…but I am still working on all of that. 

     I ignored Tim tonight and his offer to go out and do some fishing…I just was not in the mood..I should have just told him…its hard for me to enjoy a number of things still. 

I was married to trish..I was learning to take care of me…then as the marriage ended and I ran…I dove head first into another one…thinking that I was gonna conquer the world and she just wanted to have babies and take care of me…and let me take care of her…wow things got pretty messed up and I got so lost…maybe we both did..I see the codependant that I truly and how I dont live for me..but through everyone else or I did at least…and just how I try to exeret my control on everything…I just need to so let go…it gets easier every day….

To quote my brother…"Life is Hard…"

But it can be so simple….I just need to see it like that…