Hi, I am back to a some what normal life all though I don't like the things that are going on in my life today (well most of them). Where to start is the question of the day????? 

  Well since my release from jail I was pretty much homeless without sleeping on the streets or in a shelter."Thank god for family and true friends." I have been sleeping on couches for the last 2 months until this last week. A room came available at my fathers all though it might just be temp I actually have a bed and somewhere to get the privacy i need to get back to work on my step work, its kinda hard to work on it when I couldn't even get a decent nights rest.

 The weird thing is since I have been in the bed I have been experiencing more than a comfortable share of using dreams. Me and my father have spent along time getting and using with each other,  Infact he smoked my first joint with me at the ripe old age of 7 yrs. he found it to be the perfect babysitter, totally unaware i fought real hard to be just like him in all my actions since then.

  Now having almost 8 months clean and truely working the program of NA  I got one hell of a bomb droped on me the other night. Some one who I thought I was building a strong bond of recovery with had the gull to text me asking me to get them a joint….  Right a way I told them no and deleted thier number. I know today I don't need nor do I want ppl like that in my network.  The person was in more than a few of my most recent using dreams, a few good and a few bad but none the less I am looking at it as a sing of things to happen if I continue to talk to them.  I'm thankful for the ppl in my network that are there for me when not only the big shit hits the fan but when the little things go a-rye. 

 Now thru all this I have lost 70% of my monthy income due to child support, and have a 80 to a 100 dollar drug test bill a month. And also my normal bills like phone food and others. My gas bill has pretty much tripled due to the fact i was tought to get a routine and stick to it as tightly as possible, and that routine is my daily meetings. i finally got cpmfortable again with going tto the meetings i attend on a reg basis. I make 9 meetings a week two on sat and sun as long as some emergancy don't pop up. As most addicts are I am terrified of change and dont want to change the meetings I attend so thats something that I WILL DEAL WITH. 

 Now here are the blessings of all this life stuff I call garbage going on in my life. The one person I thought would end up dead in active use as more clean time than I do. By me leading by example when i went to tampa for two yrs and got my ass handed to me by life with out drugs and me surviving it, my father got clean and has about 2 yrs now.( working his own program) but none the less not using anyform of mood or mind altering chemicals that the dr.'s dont have him on… The one person who gave me the full amount of unconditional love in both friendship and relationship reach out to me and asked me for help all the way from tampa . i was able to help her get to a meeting from detroit  as well as carry the message of N A to her the best way i can. I am also putting the things that has worked for me into action  with the ppl i am at odds with in the fellowship (they to are working for me now like they did when i first got the suggestions. I am now forming onenhell of a tight friendship with more than a few homegroup members by letting them in and showing them the real me no matter how i feel.


If you have a hard time following this dont worry its the shit that has been dancing in my head to long. I was tought to get it out on paper and due to the fact i am where i am i would rather put it here cause it shows that if i can keep clean through the tribulations of life so can u

  1. machina 13 years ago

    man, i wanted to yell at you, type in caps lock and just be plain rude until i actually finished reading the entry. now all i can say is thank you and please excuse me. this was beautifully written and every word makes a strong, intelligent point.

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  2. Snowbird 13 years ago

    Your entry was very encouraging. I have some much to be greatful for, and I still fall. Reading your journey, and hearing about the moments when you could have picked up and didn't was really great! You have shown tremendous strength and determination. Thanks for sharing and being such a great example of working the program.

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