This morning like at 2 am I was feeling really sick with anxiety about Monday and the new week. I don’t know what the week will bring but I have to say that at this very moment I feel so okay.
I woke up at 10 instead of sleeping till noon. I worked on my online classes for like five hours. I’ve had two meals, breakfast and lunch. I’ve been really nice and patient with my little brother and haven’t gotten into an argument with anyone today.
While I’ve been doing my course work I’ve been listening to music. There’s this DJ named Marc and he’s doing collabs with people. So far I’ve listened to the one with Wayne Brady and Emily King. It’s so funny because all the songs are improv and about silly things but somehow there’s little tidbits that make me feel like I can see the world again. Like I can build a new mindset.
There was a line where Marc raps “what a privilege to be alive and thrive, what a privilege to have a pulse and die.” It was so quick and in passing but it was so beautiful. Marc and Wayne rap about which ninja turtle is the best and then free style about Star Trek. They also sing about loving yourself before loving others.
With Emily they sing a song that says, “don’t let them tell you that this whole existence ain’t about love.” This sentiment is so sweet and fulfilling although life has so many problems it’s so easy to forget. She also sings at one point a song about being delighted by someone. Over and over she just repeats that she’s delighted. And I really love that too. Allowing yourself to feel your feelings, especially when it comes to people. Being open with yourself.
They also sing this song about “home improvement.” It goes off the rails pretty quickly. It’s basically just a really long joke about decorating the house and being forced to watch movies with other people. It makes me smile a lot. But it makes me think of the concept of building a home for yourself. Considering your mind and your body your home and doing all you can to improve it and take care of it. A home that’s run down and broken but that you can invest your time in and make better.
I don’t have anything big to say but I needed to record this moment before it’s gone. Just a feeling of contentment. The panic is gone and I’m alright with being alive right now and there’s nothing more that I could ask for.
There is absolutely nothing that I need that I do not have right now and if that’s the case what the hell was I so worried about? The future? Sure. Planning is good. Panicking, however, is useless. Things could be OK. They just might be. 🙂