I have never dated someone so sweet, and caring, and positive. I just wish that it would have worked out but he is right. We are both so different. We both want different things. And he disagreed with me but really, I am SO screwed up. My mind is a mess and my life is a mess. I need to figure ME out before I can even TRY to date anyone. And I know that there is someone sooo much better than me out there for him. I’m just so thankful that we both agree and we can still be friends. I could not have handled it if we had kept trying to make this work and ended up having a bitter breakup and not being friends anymore.
I just wish I could stop loving Ray. I wish it was a feeling I could turn on and off. I’d turn it off forever if I could. But I know I can’t. He will always be a part of me. He was a big part of my past and you can’t just erase that. Not that I would want too. It may have been an up and down relationship but we had some good, good memories. I will always want to remember those. But for now I wish I could just lock up all the memories, turn off my love, and get on with my life. But I can’t. I still crave him. I crave his voice, his hugs, his kisses. Time has done nothing to erase those feelings. And I can’t help but wondering why we really broke up. Was it just out of anger? Was it a mistake? But he doesn’t want me back and I know that. We talked about it. He wants to get on with his life. Good. I want him too. I want him to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. But somewhere inside me a voice whispers "what about you?" My happiness has never been important and never will be. I don’t deserve happiness. I can only help others find it.