How can you love someone or care for someone who obviously could care less about you?
Take my sister for instance:
You think they give a damn if I end up dead or in the hospital? Hell no! They wouldn’t even know! Hell… they didn’t know.
How is it that some people become so self absorbed? How? I don’t get it. I thought things like family and friends were supposed to be coveted. Supposed to be special? It’s funny how, even when you aren’t raised that way or to believe that – that it does become a core value of yours. You watch, you listen, you learn and you grow into things you were never taught.
Sometimes I think it would be best if I sort of just… disappeared from everyone. Everyone who has known me, who does know me… just fade from exhistance. They wouldn’t really notice – they don’t even notice things now.
Most days I wish I could wake up and be in a new place. Start a new life. Forget the horrible things.
I know, someday when I have a family, when I am raising my own children they won’t have to feel the things I have grown up feeling. They won’t have to know those things. What it’s like to not be loved by the people you want to be loved by. The people you should be loved by. They won’t know what it feels like to be tossed around, abused, and mistreated. Never will they have to doubt that their mother loves them. That she will always be there for them and to protect them but at the same time they can’t act like little scum bags and get their way over everything. They will learn respect, honesty and loyalty.
I’m so tired of caring for and loving people who don’t even give my life a second thought. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep feeling like this. I can keep going through it. Eventually I will just need to burn the bridges and cut the ties. Some day when I see your faces again you will be strangers to me.