#1-sarah is a heartless bitch! full of lies, some told to get what she wants. she has bipolar im fuckin sure of it. shes selfish as fuck for the most part. but she always gets what the kids need. and she always has smokes for me. she , in my eyes is the most beautiful girl in the world. like ever… her laugh is awesome and puts a smile on my face when i hear it. she has an awesome sense of humor but only her friends see that anymore i guess. her smile directed towards me or the kids makes me feel good. i still love her very much, she is/was the one. when i met her i fell in love with her hard. we would just lay there and laugh for hours. like kids at a slumber party. she was nice, affectionate, funny, and beautiful. i thought i struck gold.
fairytales dont last longer than a few weeks i guess. changes happend. cheating happend. uggh. why would something so beautiful want to destroy everything around it? i trust nobody anymore. i really have no friends anymore. well rich is my friend but he never calls. i never hear from him unless i call him. but he has his own life going on now. im not jealous of those fucks sarah calls friends. however. i do get annoyed or… I HATE the fact that QUEEN BEE fuckin emily, is the most important thing in sarahs life. honestly. she loves the kids and everything but most of sarah's time at home is spent on the phone with that gash. and yet she gets mad that i hate her firends, maybe if her friends were a side dish to our "family" instead of our "family" being leftovers, i wouldnt mind them so much…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
#2-my life is SHIT!!! i have nothing to show for anything. im here in a house that im not wanted in unless its a way for sarah to get out.
there is no way possible that she still loves me, no fucking way. why would i be made to feel like i do if she did? im a fuckin nobody, and have been for years. dont even know why i have a social security number. my mind races and worries aout 15 hours a day, the rest is sleep. why else would she willingly donate her number out to so many dudes? i know why. cause im shit! and i dont amount to anything. im ugly, fat, depressed,angry, no motivation cause of all the bad things in my life i have to think about on an hourly basis. its like im already dead. there is no way out of this bad deal. no way to make it better. i love sarah but she hates me. not too hard to believe really. i hate me too as well as do alot of other people i would imagine. why cant i just pass away now, ive done all i can in life im sure. now i just need cancer or something and just go with it. no doctors just live it out. maybe if i had some disease that would eventually end me, sarah would want to show some sort of "caring" or nurturing for me in my final days. that sounds like it would be wonderful, just my family being really close and loving, thats the way to go. a beautiful ending to a terrible story. happieness in the last act. bliss. obviously if im waiting for the day i die to get here my life is not worth living. god damnit i wish i knew how to make everything better. is she capable of being a one guy gril? maybe she cant be. or maybe she just cant be with me. how many tears have to fall before someone starts listening? or feeling?
oh, food for thought, i want "SNUFF" by SLIPKNOT played at my wake.i also want to be buried in jeans and a slipknot tshirt. i want pictures of my kids and sarah in my coffin so in death ill never be alone.i dont want anyone to say shit at my funeral considering none really has shit to say anyway. dont fabricate care in death. why is it called a wake anyway? your dead. i digress. im living on borrowed time. ugggh. i love my kids too. but with everything going on in my head its hard to make the time they deserve. when it comes down to it, im a terrible dad. ugggh. that even hurt to type. why cant life be like it is on tv? warm family life. maybe my kids are like me and strive for the "love" and "affection" like i try to get from sarah, and they are not getting enough. FUCK! my poor babies, please if there is some sort of divine power or something, help me be a better father to them. i know what this feels like first hand and it hurts. maybe they feel what im feeling. nobody deserves that. especially children. damnit to hell! im obviously the one with the problem, sarah does just fine. maybe if i really was gone it would be better for her and them. fuck! i dont know. i know im a person who is full of love but its tucked back away behind tons of shit and cant get out. my "soul" is bruised and battered. what do i do? thanks computer for listening to my rants. we both know i have noone else in the world i can feel comfortable talking to. i suppose im talking to myself, but if i pretend you are a peson maybe i wont feel so damn lonely. anyway thanks………………………………………………………………..
#3-so here i am again, day 1 of the last days of my life here. its not going well. i hurt bad. im scared,sad,lonely,etc… ugggh its 9:27 am on december 20th 2010.
bad day and night last night. no more hope for anything really. cept maybe the courage to do what i need to do. everything is broken. im a mess. my thoughts are dry and my heart is black. been listening to Snuff by Slipknot on repeat alot lately. i feel terrible for my kids. i should have never had kids, im not a good anything for them. i dont regret having them but i cant give them what they need. im doing this while kaya is watching spongebob in her room. why cant i just stop and go play with her? something is stopping me from being able to do much of anything but dwell in all that is going on with me. sarah hasnt loved me in a long time and i cant come to terms with it. its like to me its such a surreal situation. if the tables were turned i would help her get out of felling like shit everyday and making sure she knew i loved her. she doesnt so she cant do those kinds of things.
i do want a job and a good life with my family. i dont know why my past will not let me get a good job. i shouldnt be judged on shit on paper.
whatever. no matter what bullshit job i got i could never make enough to be alone. nor would i ever want to. i love my family and would love to be around them always. too late for that now. too late for alot of shit now. well, kaya is gonna watch mickey on my computer and she wants me to make it big "full screen" so i gotta go. ill type more tonight or tomorrow. bye………………………………………………………………………………….
#4-every last bit of who i am or was, is gone. all thats left is an empty shell where a soul used to be. i dont know where i am or how to find me. "love doesnt pay the bills". but its the best thing in the world to give and recieve. its supposed to be free. however hate has its costs. hate doesnt pay bills but it costs a wasted life. i was called a low life by the only person in the world that i love, other than my children. it hurt. it hurt bad! she meant it!