pain is life. life is pain. my vision fades. my soul goes to the underworld. the misery. the sorrow. the lonleyness. oh how my soul seeks escape. the depths are deep die now die. the dream of love and happiness is but a nightmare that must be endured moment by moment.

peace be upon you,

paulsh

I meet the most beautiful woman this week. She makes my heart sing with joy. But how can I even think of sharing my hellish life with anyone. It just makes me cry…and want to die…………….

ok its morning and my hell is it bay for now…

thanks for the comments(hooray! there are other pepole out there who care).

but this is how my hell goes. my pain from osteoarthritis with nerve commprerssion it is in my neck. starts some time in the morning and i take a prescribed opiad-type pain med. witch my preveious psychitrist say’s is just for pepole going through surgery/cancer and not for CHRONIC severe pain(don’t know what hes going to do if he gets in my shape.. probally take his pain pills like a good little egg). anyway the pain med causes depression. so i take my little pills and head towards the underworld everyday.  

so i can wake up chipper and ready to take on the world. by noon i’m in my shell. By the time night rolls around i’m ready for hell.

Yes i have been dealing with this since chldhood. not diagnosed till arfter i tried to let go of life at age 32. I am hypersensitive to all the psyc. drugs i have tried(just my luck no happiness in a pill for me). But for those of you who it works for keep taking it. If you have mild side affects its better than the depression.

My first time in the hospital the nurse told me they used to keep someone like me for up to 18 months. now a days your lucky to get a week. unless you can afford a private hospital still they only do 30 to 90 days. so where’s the help when you got nothing no way to get anything. 

more later…

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