HOW DO I LET YOU GO???-(RAMBLING #1)

My knuckles are white

My hands are contracted

My muscles are tired

From holding on to the hope of something

that's been long gone and undefined

That pedestle I built for you was awfully high

You never once fell off.

My feelings of inferiority and feelings of your superiority created a quagmire of self-doubt, self-loathing, and fear of always being left for someone "good enough."

That certainly wasn't me.

My dark side comes out to play

It scares those around me

It scares me too.

But what I really need, what I really really need, is to know how to let you go. I've never REALLY had to before…

But that time is ominous and overbearing my every thought and action. That time long in coming to HAVE to let you go.

I say and do crazy things….

but it's not REALLY me!

I'm under the influence

OF LOSING YOU.

RAMBLING #2

There's a dichotomy of my heart,

A halving of my soul.

Which do I trust?

Who do I miss?

You? Me? Who I am? Who I used to be?

So much could be said, so many many words to apologize to rectify to mollify.

Because of you I can't trust like I used to

Because of you I can't trust like I want to

Because of you, I cant love  (anyone else)

Where & how do I find my gestalt, my whole, my complete self which is in no need of external substances, external people to make me, with me, feel content?

I do and say what I want to be able to do and say, yet the facade is crashing over me

and the water is too deep

AND I'M SCARED!

I can't swim and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LIFE PRESERVER???