Here I am sitting at the pool watching my two beautiful sons swimming and playing. They are having so much fun, and enjoying the moment. Every once in a while the little guy yells, "look at me Mom". I look his way and force a smile, "Good job Son, I am so proud of you!" All the while hoping he cannot see that there is no happiness in me.
I have been in a depressive cycle for about two weeks now which started by being fired by one of my favorite clients. Once I started slipping into the dark mood, it seems like more and more bad things are piling up on top of me. I feel so overwhelmed with everything.
I cannot seem to keep up with my work, my house cleaning, even my personal care. The past week I showered, but had no energy nor desire to put on makeup or do my hair.
I stare ay my computer for hours before I can start working on anything. I am feeling absolutely worthless. I feel like a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad accountant, a bad friend, a useless blob that is occupying space and using up air.
I had one client accuse me of being a bad accountant and I let it consume my thoughts. All I can think about night and day is how I am such a terrible accountant. And of course, I realize that even if it were not already true, it is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. I am so depressed and unfocused that I am not getting work done, not replying to emails, not returning clients calls, not motivating my staff, and effectively being a bad accountant.
I want so badly for this darkness and heaviness to be lifted, but I cannot find a way. How far will it go and how much damage will I do before the clouds disappear?