So….It's been awhile since i've updated my blog. Thanks to those that asked how I was doing, and actually noticed my absence. I feel irl that would never happen, But anyway here's to sum up the week-

I got a horrible stomach virus- (my immune system is so weak at the moment, and after so much it's gone through with medical shit) and I was hurling and have diarrhea, and I just couldn't bring myself to get up expect to use the bathroom.

Anyway, i'm doing better from that bug now, Still having some symptoms, Also saw alot of doctors this week, for follow-ups and I saw my shrink- again she is NO help- and I saw the other for the medicine.

Prozac is shit, It's at it's maximum dose, this is the 4th anti-depressant they've tried on me. I've secretly stopped taking it for about 2 months now, tough the doctor added abilify (or how ever you spell it) to see if that helps, Also sleeping pills since she said

"If you can't sleep, you can't feel better" – Bull Shit. I haven't slept good since I was 8, part of it is my sleeping disorder yes but the other part is because my mind is always anxious, thinking and trying to plan it's way for survival.

I'm already thinking of when school starts again, even though we don't go back until August 24th (around there anyway) time goes by fast, before I know it i'll be back in that hell hole, planning every route, every way to avoid others, not only that but we have a new principle this year as well- UGH

Anyway, back to this week- Other then being sick and seeing a shit load of doctors that's about it. It's storming like hell outside, a topical storm or something, I like it though my family doesn't especially my dogs, their hiding under my bed right now.

I don't what to say at the moment, Just alot going on as usual and expect for this site, No one else knows about ANY of it. Well, there WAS one person- Ali but you all know what happened there!

Sigh, My anxiety has increased but also my cutting habits, I'm cutting words into my thighs now, So far I have 'ugly' , 'fat' , and 'worthless' cut into my thigh. I also weighed myself, i'm used to vomiting so much obviously, but it increased with being sick and the diarrhea has caused even more weight loss, Which I know i'm underweight, But I don' care.

Even the doctors didn't notice it, wow. I'm really unimportant aren't I?

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'm really not feeling up to writing at the moment, So I'm sorry if this entry sucked, or my writing style, I feel the urge to do something to make myself feel numb and maybe I'll get some sleep because i'll pass out.

Pills…cutting…purging….etc, So many things on my mind I could do right now…

Eh…I'm sorry that might be triggering for some of you…My next entry won't be so weak and annoying, I promise….I'll maybe draw something tonight and post it in my next entry.

Anyway, I hope everyone else in the tribe is doing alright, I'm always here to listen, though I know you probably rather vent to someone not so disgusting like me,

Well, Talk to you soon I guess, the tribe is always on my thoughts and prayers.

Wow…I can easily pray to god to help others, Though when it comes to me, I know i'm not even worth the effort to save, The lord must be so disgusted with me.

1 Comment
  1. cassangel69 11 years ago

    I dont know what to say except that I feel for you. I know what it is like to suffer so inside. When I was 12 I used to cut on myself just to release the stress I was under when my dad was abusing me in many ways. I hope you feel better soon, very soon and get some relief from your internal suffering. I totally relate these days. I hope you sleep well and pray things will be better tomorrow. One day at a time dear friend <3

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