Just writing to keep my mind off of things. When I lay down, my thoughts haunt me. I've been seeing flashes mostly of people and hearing bits of conversation in my dream like state. Sometimes I wish I had powers orsome special gift. I used to wish that so I could hurt people but not anymore. Now it is because I want a reason other than mental illness that makes me a freak. Mental illness is not useful and it's certainly not a gift! I'm trying to write a lot, sometimes 3 things at once. I feel like if I stop I will get anxious again. I want to write more of the fiction I've been writing, but I can't focus enough. And the fiction is comedic and I am definitely not in a joking mood.
It is finally night time. I feel better about that for some reason. It's more peaceful. The morning was so harsh and cold. I'm thinking of when I am the most happy. Perhaps I have been going about this wrong, I was always thinking about how I am so miserable, maybe I should think about what makes me feel the best and make sure I do more of that. The thing I love is sleeping and waking up lateafter a lot of sleep and getting some coffee and checking things online.I like whenI have nothing I have to do that is stressful or any obligations.Sometimes I'll go downstairs and putthe TV on and thecats make me laugh and I just feel okay. Not a lot of pressure and things seem so much more light hearted. The pressure happens when I try to meet people or set up things to do whether it's a date or a get together with a social group etc… That seriously freaks me out and then I get to that point where I want to drink and drink. So it would be logical to not saturate myself in planning social events if they make me that damn nervous. But then that leaves me in a bind because I'm all alone and wishing I had someone to talk to and something fun to do. I can't have it both ways. That's the dilemma. The reason socializing makes me so stressed out is because I am very insecure around people, I am not a people person and I feel like I have to fit into every situation. When I keep people at bay I feel much safer and I'm not exhausted all the time from trying to get them to like me.
I want to just be happy with a very simple life. A schedule that is casual and non-stressful. If I could get rid of one thing it would be the loneliness. I could keep myself away from talking to people and just be my own person. Of course I need and want friends. But for months and months now I have been trying to make new friends and that is so difficult especially when it is forced and not something that just happens on its own.
I know that being alone without a partner is going to kill me, but what's killing me right NOW is looking for one! I am at the point where I want to be free of the whole dating thing all together. I want to just accept that I will never have anyone special in my life. I know a couple of women older than me who are single and not looking and they are doing just fine. They have friends and familyto keep themcompany andthey decided thatthey don't need to be searching for a man for themselves. They don't need one to be happy. And they accept that their previous relationships just didn't work out.
But what about FUN? That's the question that my best friend (the one who disappeared on me) used to ask. When I told her I want to give up dating she would always say "But what about sex? You need a man for sex." Well most people want sex and there in lies the problem with meeting men because that is ALL they want. My best friend (so called best friend) is a nymphomaniac so to her not having a man to have sex with would pretty much be the end of her world. But me, I don't NEED it. It's something that would be nice but not with the asshole jerks I've been meeting recently. I have been there and done that just having casual partners. It might befun for my friend, but it's not for me. I always feel even more lonely and not to mention USED. I don't like being a sexual outcast, but again, these people I meet just aren't worth being with especially the way I've been used. And truly, every guy I've met since Kyle just wants to use me for sex. And so did Kyle! He was just nicer about it that's all. Getting used like that is just old news to me now. It does nothing for me.
So with not really having anywhere to meet anyone, not NEEDING sex and knowing I will never have a meaningful relationship. The logical choice is to simply let that idea go and not make dating a part of my life anymore.
Well that is it, I can't type forever. I am trying to think of ways to stop the thoughts in healthier ways, if I can keep the thoughts from taking over I will feel much less anxious.