Over the past week, I've become aware of many things:
My mood changes too often from very high to very low, which is something I've always realized, but my doctors fail to see as a symptom.
The past three days I've gone from very depressed to very apathetic to very content, powerful even.
Regardless of which state I'm in, I can't handle being around people anymore. Especially my family, so I lock myself in my room except when I need to go to work. In my room, I'm content with just lying there on my bed, either feeling completely worthless or totally capable of all things. But I just lie there. Sometimes I cut because I'm bored, sometimes because it feels great, and recently, the thought of ending it all has let itself back into my mind. It's more of an ideation than it is an intention or desire. And it's hard to rationalize the thought because it's not that I don't value my life–life is beautiful, and I realize there will always be some pain. But that's the beauty of this illness as well. It's conniving and convinving and it doesn't need a reason to corrupt you the way it does. It's irrational, but that doesn't stop you from feeling any different.
I want today to be the last day I ever reach for a razor. I want today to be the last day I allow my friend's happiness devour the small amount of contentment I have buried deep inside me because his happiness used to make me happy. But now all it does is make me feel like a burden. Most of all, I wish I didn't think I needed him… because I don't. But I keep on living like I do, and I'm not sure that's a life I want to keep on living.