i dont know how many times ive cried today…..i cant quite put my feelings into words anymore….its just a bunch of nonsense rolling around in my head…this just all seems so sureal…i feel like im looking at myself from above….

today i had to meet with an investigator that works for the fraud unit of HRA….i went in there with "NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER" playing over and over in my head to keep me calm…i felt pretty ok with the documentation that i had with me. come to find out that these women who where there interogating me couldnt see my side of the story….i DIDNT HAVE THE SOLID PROOF THEY NEEDED TO BELIEVE WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!! i couldnt believe my ears!!! i dont know HOW MANY TIMES i mentioned that he is LYING!!! he is LYING because he doesnt want to pay child support!!! they couldnt understand the reason WHY i hadnt filed for an order of protection against him if i was SO AFRAID of him…..that was MY POINT!!!! i AM AFRAID OF HIM!! but at the same time, i worry about what my boys will think if im calling the cops on THEIR FATHER!!! he has NEVER beaten me….he has NEVER hit me…i have NO PHYSICAL bruises now or have i EVER had them…..everthing this man has done to me has been MENTAL!!! INTIMIDATION, BULLYING, COERCION, MANIPULATION, THREATS…. to some thats NOTHING….to many its ENOUGH….to me, i felt that if i stood up for myself i would NEVER hear the end of it from him…i wouldnt be able to live with the fact of knowing that I HURT MY BOYS!!! i kept making excuses for him….saying he isnt a bad father….he doesnt beat the boys…he's NEVER beaten me…its NOT domestic violence!!! ONCE AGAIN I AM A VICTIM!!!! of my OWN CIRCUMSTANCE…..by me NOT TAKING A STAND i put myself in this situation…i ALLOWED him to get away with what he is doing RIGHT NOW!!! I AM PAYING FOR IT… HE IS GOING TO TAKE MY CHILDREN FROM ME!!! he is basing his testimony ALL ON LIES!!! he is saying that HE HAS BEEN AN ACTIVE PARENT, INVOLVED IN OUR CHILDRENS LIVES….HE HASNT!!!! he is doing this to HURT ME!!! to WIN!!! he is taking away my home, taking the food out of our children's mouths, he is potentially watching me self destruct!!! AND HE DOESNT CARE!! all these years i have given into his EVERY WHIM….LET HIM PUSH ME OVER!!! just for the sake of argument!!! so i dont have to fight with him…i would NEVER win with him in an arguement….he ALWAYS has/had the upper hand, and i would walk away with my tail between my legs…..IVE DONE THIS FOR FAR TOO LONG….the minute i STAND UP FOR MYSELF and TRY TO MAKE SURE THAT MY CHILDREN DONT SUFFER FOR HIS SELFISHNESS, i get SCREWED!!! im THEIR MOTHER!!! THESE CHILDREN ARE MY LIFE!!! I WILL DO WHATEVER I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE SURE THAT NOTHING HAPPENS TO THEM!!! i have NO reason to LIE about the time i spend with my children….nor have i EVER kept they boys from seeing their father even when i WASNT getting child support from him…..I NEVER pestered him about child support, i NEVER made NOT GETTING child support an issue for him….most people thought I WAS STUPID for not having him pay….but I DIDNT NEED IT!!! i did ok on my own…BUT NOW….HE WANTS TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OUT OF ME….and his way of making an EXAMPLE is to LIE….to TAKE my children from me….WHAT KIND OF MAN IS HE???

HE MAKES ME SICK!!!! I WISH I WOULD HAVE STOOD UP TO HIM EVERYTIME HE STEPPED UP IN MY FACE!!!