So, I'm just starting out on this WS because I feel like I have nowhere else to turn to. My life feels like a roller coaster, twists and turns and sudden drops that leave my stomach in a mess for days. I feel like I have so much that I should be happy about, I've got a well paying job that pays the rent, my fiance just moved in and we are to be married. But, there comes the dark side.
I hate my job, having to bow down to higher than thou customers who feel like I should be licking the bottom side of thir shoes rather than making eye contact with them; My family members are busy with their own lives and I don't fit in to their idea of normal so my problems and myself get pushed to the back burner; lastly, my future father in law is very against my fiance and I living together before we are married. He threatened to call the police when we were moving his stuff out to make him stop, he calls his own son terrible names and says that my childhood is the reason I dont want him to have a family either. WTF? He uses my fiances deceased mother against him as well, "if your mother were here she would be so disgusted with you" and so on.
It's just way too much for me to handle all at once. I feel that my fiance doesn't understand how I feel when I try to communicate with him and he just tells me what I want to hear. We've been together for a little over four years now, and I we NEVER got into that stage where we just TALKED about things. He didn't even propose, he had been talking about it since a year into our relationship and once our three year anniversary came up, we just kind of..fell..into it. I sometimes wonder if we will last but then I worry if that is the negative part of me which just wants to see the world crash under me or if that is a legitimate worry. Not to mentions, when his dad calls him up to bitch at him for hours on end, he does NOTHING to defend himself or our relationship, or myself even. It just hurts and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've already entertained the thought of just running away and hiding out in a hotel, or worse, I've thought about hurting myself again. It's been three years since I was in that dark of a place but it's coming back now and I am truly scared I'm finally going to do something about it.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I wish I could say I felt better for venting, but it's all still there.