I thought the dreams were done,  but no, they came back again last night, which triggered my emotions and a really bad depression day.  I knew a bad was coming anyway,  just a matter of time.  

I feel,  worthless, like a nobody, that I have no self worth, like a robot, invisible,

I have no direction in life at this very moment,  I dont even have a 3, 5, or 10 year goal in mind.  Whats the point.  100 years from now nothing matters anymore, no one will even know who I was or what I did, so why bother?   I've tried to find happiness, but mostly get shit on in the end.  Why?  what did I do to derserve this shit full life it seems?   If I was really worth something people would show it.  I know its hard when im 1300 miles away from the people I grew up with, but what about the few people around here?  Why am I a nobody now.. just because Im an ex?  How can you not bother to contact me, or show that you even care what is going on in my life or how its going?  HOW? WHY?  That is what hurts the most. And not answering the phone and not getting back to me, what a hypocrite cause when we got together you could text when you say how much you hate it, yet cant answer the phone(which is how you prefer to be contacted)  What the fuck?   

What is there for a career for me,  I dont even know who I am or what im good at anymore cause my body seems to want to do other things… why did I have to have all these things happen? asthma, allergies, 5 surgeries, all these problems since I was 11…  WHY??!!!   What the fuck did I do to anyone?

I jsut dont know what Im doing anymore, or what im supposed to do or how.  I have no direction, no goals, no inspiration, no nothing, and nobody.   I dont have a good friend to go to, to cry on, to get a hug.  and to get that, it takes years and time, and talking to a new someone is just awkward too.  I dont know what im doing.   Im lost in the deep dark woods in a quicksand trap, and no one is coming or looking for me.