So, I am going be attending classes at my local community college .I have decided that that it is high time to start engaging life and pursue some sort goal ,which is getting my degree. I don't want to spend the rest of my earthly time hiding behind a computer screen . I have placed myself in a self inflicted prison of fear and stagnation.
I have some of the ugliest, most vile demons residing in my brain ,but I keepthem aliveby making a hospiptatal environment byfeeding them with self destructive thoughts. That doesn't mean you give up the battle though.I have been a recluse for for years . Why do I keep punishing myself by not even giving myself a much deserved chance ?
I remember reading Sun Tzu's the Art of War when I was in my early twenties . I came up with the idea that this book can be used as a handbook to wage a war and conquer many of life's challenges , including mental illness.One of the main principles states that you must know your opponent's weaknesses. I know that my mental illness ,which is the bipolar illness with more frequent severe depressive episodes,is making the repeated effort of not letting the illness determine your identity for you .
This means not falling into old patterns that you know are detrimental to getting better . For me those old patterns and habits are getting involved in unhealthy relationships . For years and most of my life I have had extremely low self esteem ,which in turn has ruined my life. I have been hurt so many times in my life .I didn't demand the proper treatment from these people.It is all self inflicted by no one but me .
After years of being hurt I made the descion to become a recluse ,for it was safer for me I didn't have to venture the gamble of being hurt by people . I wasted years in a self imposedprison rotting away in my cell of fear and delusions. I was offered people's friendships but refused , wasting away ever more in the tower of shame . I wasted years of my life and my youth . It is a tragedy ,I was almost like a much younger version of the old lady in Great Expectations.
All is not lost when I had my escape from the world I gained allot of knowledge from reading and self discovery that I probably wouldn't have learned if I was out parting like my peers. When am I going unlock the cell door ? Like I stated in a previous post I've never had True feelings for anyone .I am afraid I used them as a form of escapism from myself . After all , who really wants to look at themselves ? It can be rather startling and require allot of work .
But , how long can this last ? I am now twenty -six years of age .Hopefully I look younger ha ha.Looking at people my age they seem on the surface to "have it together " . I am still merely a teenager in terms of growth . I don't flatter the men I have been involved with by saying I was in love with them . I mean that when I say it .
This post is jumping in many directions (laughs an insecure laugh ) .In order to get back on track to the subject at hand, I will go back to expressing my want and need to be emancipated. Pain is inevitable but here is a quote I wrote about pain and tragedy at seventeen years old, "Pain allows you to transform to a new higher being , taking flight into the skies of transformation with new wings that enable a swifter more smooth flight through the eye of the storm that is life. Those are my thoughts for today if anyone will even read this haha .