Hi. I'm sadviolinist.

I'm a little reticent about revealing much about myself yet considering that I don't know anyone, but I guess that's how it works- you talk, you make friends, you get better together. (I hope.)

My depression has been a lifelong battle for me without even realizing it. At an early age I was sexually molested by a family member, and later on became the victim of emotional abuse from a raging alcoholic.

I've always felt different, distant, from other people. Inevitably the people that I find myself befriending are other people like myself- victims of some sort of abuse or at the mercy of this particular illness.

Right now I'm going through a really tough time. My husband and I have been on the rocks for almost 2 years, and our relationship's ability to rebound is very questionable. What happened to me while I went through pregnancy was not something he could identify with, and it changed me drastically. There's a lot of resentments between us. He has agreed to go to marital counseling and therapy sessions with me, but rarely does.

We are also in the process of losing our home. My depression was so bad for so long that I couldn't work for close to 2 years, but luckily I had enrolled in disability insurance before I got pregnant. Still though, it wasn't enough to keep us afloat when he lost his job and was unemployed for almost 6 months. Surprised He finally became employed within this last month, and I'm working 2-3 days a week waiting tables instead of teaching music.

So, I guess where I'm at right now is facing the possibility of the end of my marriage, the definite loss of our mutual home, and the reality that I may be on my medications for a VERY long time.

That's a hard thing to accept. I feel like a shell of the woman I used to be. Every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of her, but it's fleeting. Most of the time I just want to be left alone to my thoughts in a dim, quiet room or asleep in bed ignoring reality.

I know that both of those are bad choices, but sometimes I don't care and give in anyhow.

My son, my spirituality, and my music are what keep me going most days.

 

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