Sometimes we realize that we are hypocrites…and it hurts. But to me thoughts and actions are different things, but hiding anything from one another is still treason of the heart. Again the pink elephant is in the room, keeping me from reaching Aaron; reaching out to him. That elephant holds all of the things we don't say but should, all of the thoughts and feelings we don't dare say out loud for fear of losing one another.

I talked to a man the other day that I thought I was in love with (and I still think I am to some extent) that recently moved away. It was never a physical thing, we never let it get anywhere near that. But just being near each other, in close proximity was incredibly difficult for both of us. The love we felt for each other was not possible to realize, and we both knew that.

I called him for a legitimate reason; I needed a letter of recommendation for my substitute position. But talking to him, hearing his voice, especially now with all the marital issues I'm facing ~ it brought it all back with the force of a serious blow to the heart. I know it can never be, I accept that, but how do I make the emotions go away? I don't think I ever will be able to. It makes me sad, and its just another puzzle piece to the big picture of the things Aaron and I lack in our relationship. I know it's possible to love more than one person at once, because each of them fulfills different needs at the time. So what is the need that he seems to fulfill in me? I've been dreaming of him nonstop, and it's breaking my heart. I don't want this. I don't want to hurt about him, or feel guilty about the feelings that are there. I guess I'm not that different from Aaron after all. FML!

Kissing You ~ Des'ree

"Pride can stand a thousand trials

The strong will never fall.

But watching stars without you

My soul cries.

Heaving heart is full of pain

Oh, ooh ~ the aching

Cause I'm kissing you

I'm kissing you, ooh…

Touch me deep, Pure and true

Lift to me

Forever.

Cause I'm kissing you, oh

Cause I'm kissing you , ohhh

Oh where are you now?

Where are you now?

Cause I'm kissing you

I'm kissing you…"

This is what my dreams have been about ~ to finally touch him, to kiss him and let ourselves have that moment. Is it so wrong that I ache for that? But yet it's wrong to me that Aaron has been texting my best friend and his ex-lover…

…And of course the man I'm writing about just texted me. SMH. We are too connected, even with the miles between us. God help us all through this maze of emotions. 🙁

One more song that also sums up how I feel about him AND my marriage at the same time…

Breathe Again ~ Sara Bareilles

"Car is parked, bags are packed

But what kind of heart doesn't look back?

At the comfortable glow from the porch,

The one I will still call yours?

All those words

Came undone.

And now I'm not the only one.

Facing the ghosts that decide if

the fire inside

Still burns.

All I have,

All I need;

He's the air I would kill

to breathe.

Holds my love

In his hands

Still I'm searching

for something.

Out of breath

I am lefthoping someday

I'll breathe again.

I'll breathe again…

Open up

next to you

And my secrets

become your truth.

And the distance between

that was sheltering me

comes in full view.

Hang my head

Break my heart

Built from all I've torn apart.

And my burden to bear

Is a love I can't carry

Anymore.

All I have

All I need

He's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love

In his hands

But still I'm searching for something

Out of breath I am left hoping someday

I'll breathe again…

Oh, it hurts to be here

I only wanted love from you

Oh, it hurts to be here…

What am I gonna do?

All I have,

All I need

He's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love

In his hands

And Still I'm searching…

All I have

All I need

He's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands

And still I'm searching

I am left hoping someday

I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again

I'll breathe again…"

I am so lost right now. Why do I hurt this much? I just want to let go of it all! I don't want to love this other man like I do ~ I want my heart to be Aaron's completely. But the damn pink elephant is in the way, and I don't know how to shrink it or even move it. Perhaps with time and help it will do just that, but until then I'm going to keep aching…

Please don't judge me on this. I have enough guilt on my own about this as it is…I don't need more. 🙁

Sincerely,

Brokenhearted