So, I feel like a complete idiot.  I have completely hurt someone who means the world to me.  He told me to lean on him while I was dealing with this stuff, and I ended up putting him through the ringer, emotionally.  I never meant to – I really didn’t.  Once I let that stuff out, I was out of my mind with grief and pain.  He was right about me needing to express that pain, but I didn’t manage it well.  I was a loathsome b*tch, and I may have finally pushed away one of the most important people in my life (one of the most important relationships of my entire life – not just the present moment).  I wrote several emails, telling him how sorry I am, and trying to explain why I acted so badly, and that I would never be this way towards him, again.  I am afraid it might be too late.  Granted it has not been long, but he is not answering, and I am afraid.

I genuinely hated myself and wanted to die, lately – I feel like I could pull myself out of this, today.  I am fighting it like crazy.  I know I will be better if I hear from Ace, and I know I haven’t wrecked our friendship.  Once I have that, I feel like I can jam the pieces back into place.  I have a sense of what I need to do.  I feel like I can do these things.  I can pull myself out of this.  I just need to get things straight with Ace, and then I will be able to calm down and breathe, and put myself back together again.

But, as long as I am afraid that I chased off someone who matters that much to me (with my ridiculous and even cruel statements), part of me will be in knots.  And, if I don’t find out we’re cool, that knotted part of me will start to die.

I have generally been disgusted with myself lately.  I know what I need to do:

For starters, I need to be stronger, and I can be.

I need to keep my head together.  It isn’t easy, but it is SIMPLE.  I have to ask myself some key questions.

I may want to do dope, right now, but will I break my promise not to?

No, I won’t, and ultimately, I don’t want to.

Hurting or killing myself?

Again, not going to break those promises.  I would not abandon the people who need me.  No matter how badly I am hurting – I won’t bitch out on the people who need me (I need them, too).

So, it’s time to stop toying with these ideas.  It’s time to exercise some control over myself.  I can’t always control what I think or feel, obviously, but I can decide that I am not going to let myself wallow like a 14 year old girl who’s in love with drama.  And, I will not let myself hurt the people who only want to help me.  I need to be so much better to the people who care about me.

So what can I do?

First, of course, I HAVE TO square things with Ace – that matters more than anything, right now.  I know I won’t have the strength to do the rest if I have actually pushed away someone I care for so much.  I really hope that isn’t the case.  I am sorrier than I can say for all the things I must have made him think and feel.  He has to know it wasn’t me.  He has to know I was out of my mind with grief and pain – so much of both…  and I am trying so hard to fix it, now.

After that comes self-care, art, my apartment, and tending to my social sphere.  No major complicated decisions have to made right away – I just have to take better care of myself.  And, I will…  as long as I haven’t lost the friend who hold me up when i am completely broken.

I am so sorry, Ace.

I hope you can forgive me.

1 Comment
  1. Baggs 12 years ago

    If Ace is a true friend, he will be back. True friends stick with you, no matter what.  I have been reading your blogs, I have been following your struggles – I have been through similar, although nowhere near as bad as you. I wish you all the best and I hope that you make it. Baggs xxxxxxxxxxx

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