So, I feel like a complete idiot. I have completely hurt someone who means the world to me. He told me to lean on him while I was dealing with this stuff, and I ended up putting him through the ringer, emotionally. I never meant to – I really didn’t. Once I let that stuff out, I was out of my mind with grief and pain. He was right about me needing to express that pain, but I didn’t manage it well. I was a loathsome b*tch, and I may have finally pushed away one of the most important people in my life (one of the most important relationships of my entire life – not just the present moment). I wrote several emails, telling him how sorry I am, and trying to explain why I acted so badly, and that I would never be this way towards him, again. I am afraid it might be too late. Granted it has not been long, but he is not answering, and I am afraid.
I genuinely hated myself and wanted to die, lately – I feel like I could pull myself out of this, today. I am fighting it like crazy. I know I will be better if I hear from Ace, and I know I haven’t wrecked our friendship. Once I have that, I feel like I can jam the pieces back into place. I have a sense of what I need to do. I feel like I can do these things. I can pull myself out of this. I just need to get things straight with Ace, and then I will be able to calm down and breathe, and put myself back together again.
But, as long as I am afraid that I chased off someone who matters that much to me (with my ridiculous and even cruel statements), part of me will be in knots. And, if I don’t find out we’re cool, that knotted part of me will start to die.
I have generally been disgusted with myself lately. I know what I need to do:
For starters, I need to be stronger, and I can be.
I need to keep my head together. It isn’t easy, but it is SIMPLE. I have to ask myself some key questions.
I may want to do dope, right now, but will I break my promise not to?
No, I won’t, and ultimately, I don’t want to.
Hurting or killing myself?
Again, not going to break those promises. I would not abandon the people who need me. No matter how badly I am hurting – I won’t bitch out on the people who need me (I need them, too).
So, it’s time to stop toying with these ideas. It’s time to exercise some control over myself. I can’t always control what I think or feel, obviously, but I can decide that I am not going to let myself wallow like a 14 year old girl who’s in love with drama. And, I will not let myself hurt the people who only want to help me. I need to be so much better to the people who care about me.
So what can I do?
First, of course, I HAVE TO square things with Ace – that matters more than anything, right now. I know I won’t have the strength to do the rest if I have actually pushed away someone I care for so much. I really hope that isn’t the case. I am sorrier than I can say for all the things I must have made him think and feel. He has to know it wasn’t me. He has to know I was out of my mind with grief and pain – so much of both… and I am trying so hard to fix it, now.
After that comes self-care, art, my apartment, and tending to my social sphere. No major complicated decisions have to made right away – I just have to take better care of myself. And, I will… as long as I haven’t lost the friend who hold me up when i am completely broken.
I am so sorry, Ace.
I hope you can forgive me.