It's late and I can't sleep… again. Mostly because this is the time of day when I'm all alone with my thoughts. I haven't felt this depressed in while and I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels like my life might be screwed up forever and that may very well be the truth. People have been telling me that my heart is in the right place, and not to be too hard on myself, but how can I do that when my own bad choices are ruining the lives of the people I love the most?
In September 2012, my father in law committed suicide. No note, no warning, no one saw it coming. To this day it still boggles our minds. My husband took it so hard, as one would expect. He tried to clean up the mess (it was a self inflicted gunshot) which I'm sure screwed him up beyond belief. Then, the following May, my own mother committed suicide. We were the ones who found her, we called 911 and they all but pressured my Husband into performing cpr on a woman who had been gone for most likely hours. He wouldn't let me in the room, he did everything he could to protect me from the worst horror I have ever experienced. He didn't deserve that added trauma.
After my mom's death I was not right in the head. We had always planned on leaving the state to get away from the bad memories and to start a new life, but in my state of fear and panic and depression I decided we ought to just up and go. Now or never. We sent his daughter to stay with her mom until we got settled, packed up our stuff and set out to make a new life. Now we find ourselves with jobs we despise, our coming here has caused a rift between my sister and her boyfriend, and the mother of my husband's daughter is going to try and fight us for custody, despite being pregnant and has suddenly found herself in a bad way herself.
So here we are, waiting for our tax refund so we can return home, try to get our daughter back, and start all over again. This entire thing was basically my idea because I just couldn't deal with life. People keep telling me not to be too hard on myself, that my heart was in the right place… which may be true. But how can that even matter when I've ruined so many lives? My husband might loose his daughter because of me.
The money we have spent to get here, and now to get home, could have gone towards fixing my teeth. I'm only 26 btw, and live in constant fear that by the time I make it to a dentist it will be too late. It's a long story how they got so bad. I'm no epic beauty, but pretty enough. Too pretty and too young to loose my god damn teeth. And I sacrificed that opportunity for one that has done nothing but bring pain and suffering to the people I cherish. I feel like a complete failure. My mom would be so disappointed in me. I wish I had her here to talk to.
Despite everything, my husband is sticking by me. Telling me no matter what its not my fault, that he will love me even if we loose custody, that we will stick together… it breaks my heart to hear. I don't deserve such a kind and loving man. I have put him through so much, I expect him to leave, and yet he stays. It makes me feel worse. I don't ever want to loose him but like I said, I don't deserve him.
I just can't believe I willingly put us in this hole, and now I have no idea how to get out. I just want some peace in my life but it feels unattainable. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my like and I hate myself.