WARNING: DO NOT read this if you have self esteem issues and/or you are severely depressed/suicidal. The content of the following may trigger something hard to deal with, as it is a sensitive issue. If you decide to read it though, it is at your own risk.
Also, I’m not a native English speaker so I’m sorry for all the mistakes and the very limited vocabulary that I possess.
This is not a cry for help, I’ve been crying for years to therapists, family and now-gone “friends” who ignored everything and pretended I’m just “fine“.
I just need to be heard, to have a voice and maybe to be the voice of those who for some reason can’t do this. Getting things out in the open feels better than fighting my mind all alone.
I’m sick of my journal so I need to feel that someone knows what I’m going through.
I wish this was a happy post, an inspiring one; but it’s not: it’s a blog about how useless and empty I feel all the time, about how nothing works and things won’t get better, ever. I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t even like socializing, or people. But I need it so bad… I need to connect. Here goes:
I’m freefalling and don’t even care. I can’t remember when or why my life got so lame and pointless. Everything about my past is fuzzy. It feels like one day I fell asleep but woke up 2-3 years later in one of the deepest pits of hell, consumed by my own poisonous mind and weaknesses. I’ve given up any hope that my life will ever look or feel any different from what it is today.
Notting matters and nobody cares, because at the end of the day you don’t get a free pass in life. You don’t get excused for wasting life in such an insane way. There is no compassion or understanding. Society goes like: “Been depressed for years ? Don’t care. It’s your fault. You’re weak and lazy. You deserve what you have. Get over it.”
Well, what can I say? I’ve been trying to “get over it” since 15-16 years old and sh*t continued to build up and never stopped growing in size. Now I’m sitting on a never-ending-p*op-skyscraper that consists of everything I’ve done wrong. How much can I take? Much more, apparently.
Depression it’s a crippling mental disease, but nevermind. People request from you to behave as a normal person does. But I can’t be functional. I can’t be normal. And if you think “it’s just a phase”, well it’s a damn long one. About a decade of pessimism, low self esteem, inability to perfom anything like a damn normal person with well-functioning brain.
How could I NOT feel jealous about everyone flaunting succes, beauty, intelligence or wealth? I look around and I feel like I miss something; like literally, deep inside in my DNA, something is really, really f*cked. It’s not fair. Why? Why can’t I be a normal person with talents and abilities? It’s like, when I was created, the Universe put inside of me all the bad things: the weaknesses, the hate, the rage etc. All of that. How can I ever be normal given everything? I can’t and I won’t.