First Entry

I am detritus. That is the simple, yet potent label that I have assumed this morning. I have been battleing this disorder all my life, and lately it has been getting the best of me. My career is suffering, my friendships evaporating, and my home life is out of control. I am a chemical engineer, and I worked damn hard to become one. Yet, my coworkers do not understand my OCD and the effect is has on my work. I can not half-ass it, and all variables must be considered to the nth degree. Perhaps if I were a checker (as I was when I was in high school) or a compulsive cleaner it would make more sense to them. Mind you, I am not making light of other forms of OCD. No, what I have is the so called "Pure O". Being trained to examine and question everything from the macro to molecular scale only provides more territory for my OCD to graze.

My team leader is frustrated with me, and has filed an HR probation against me, because my pace is not as fast as he wants, and he refuses to understand that all the meds I am on are sedating and occassionally cause me to be late waking up. It is not intentional, but I find it profoundly difficult to complete tasks, and when the meds over sedate I can not hear multiple alarms going off simultaneously for hours.

I have been stripped of my dignity, and do not know how to face my friends and coworkers. And, because I work in a hazardous environment, I have to report any and all changes in my condition to the site nurse. Oh, and by the way, I have to sign over my therapy and psychiatric records over to the company. I am sure that many of you understand my desire to keep as much of a lid on my OCD as possible. A constant source of anxiety is being "found out" about _______. I do not know what fills that blank, but I know it must be terrible.

None of this is helped by the fact that I also have sever depression with psychotic features, generalized anxiety disorder, and of course ADHD (as confirmed by they only quantitative methods aproved thus far). A note on the ADHD, when tested it was found that in a 20 minute period I shifted focus 18 times and moved nearly 3000 times without ever getting out of my chair.

All of this is driving me crazy, and I needed to vent. This may not have been great reading material, but at least I feel a little better now. I am looking forward to meeting other members of this community, and to learning from you.

– OscarCDumas

  1. rainingoctober 9 years ago

    Welcome to the tribe! I hope you find this is a good place to just let it all out and get some good advice from others like you!

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  2. tblue 9 years ago

    My friend, we are so much alike! I have a PhD and a great job, but my OCD, depression, anxiety, and bipolar have driven me to the brink many, many times – almost weekly and sometimes daily. I also find it maddening how few people understand OCD. I mean, almost no one gets it unless they have it. Well, I have it – always have – and I understand! Hang in there and vent all you need in this forum.

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  3. tblue 9 years ago

    One more thing: You are covered by the Americans with Disabilities ACt, so you might want to let your boss know s/he should back it down a notch and give you some grace.

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  4. shenandoah86 9 years ago

    In the same boat. Almost exactly, without the "engineer" tagged on the end, and -cal and +ist.
    My boss is always telling me to multi-task and I'm like, first off, I am even by his standards, and secondly, even when I am only doing one thing my mind is thinking a million separate lines of thought at once. I want him to try doing that and seeing if he's not overwhelmed.
    I'm not on any meds for OCD because I couldn't admit until recently I think I have it, and even now that I am self-diagnosed I can't bring myself to see a doctor because I am terrified of them and any drugs they might put me on, but I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be getting the help you need and still getting flack for it.
    I'm new here too (in fact, newer here than you are, I just signed up today, 5/25/13), so saying "welcome" sounds wrong, but happy you're here and happy to make your acquaintance 🙂

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  5. OscarCDumas 9 years ago

     Thank you all for your comments.  I am sorry that I am only now getting back to write.  Part of it has been lack of time, but let's face it, I couldn't take the step to log on.  It wasn't the "right" time; and no, I can not explain what that even means.  With practice it will get better.  I had a few minutes at lunch during a conference, so I figured I would let you know that I haven't forgotten about you.  Classes are starting up again now, so I will have to leave it here, but I will eventually get back to respond to you all individually, as there is so much that I would like to say.  Until then, peace be with you.

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