Well it has been exactly 50 days since I started at my new school. I started out rough. Scared, full of anxiety and wishing I had never made the change. I then began to settle, found ways of maintaining control over my OCD within reasonable rituals and the privacy of my clorox kingdom (my room) and was able to begin studies.
Recently however, things have taken a grave turn for the worse. I have ben without therapy for 2 months. I am not taking any meds (i really am scared of medication) and as a result, have slipped into my life before therapy – depression. Possibly worse then before. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, to face another miserable day of being me. To continue livin in a world in which I do poorly on exams, struggle with making friends, viewed as a freak by friends – even family. To sit back and watch the girl I've loved for some time now begin dating some undeserving douchebag. To ponder that thought and realize that I'm the undeserving one. To question my beliefs, my choices in life and most of all myself. Lately I have had a dream of commiting suicide. I go through the whole process, letter writing, phone calls and lastly doing the deed. I never actually die in my dream. I awaken. What scares me the most was how peaceful I seemed with it all. No more worries, no more germs, no more losing control – and then I wake up, and slowly reality comes crashing down on me "Get up. You've got class in an hour.", "A new text on your phone – its that girl, telling you how awesome her new boyfriend is", "Check the email. A new message from a professor reading 'you did poorly on this past exam, please see me in my office after class'" And I long for the peace I had at the end of that dream. I don't think I could ever really commit suicide, I'm just scared that I actually dreamt about it – and was okay with it. I'm obsessed with that dream.
I did talk to my therapist who will now be checking up on me once a week to see how Im doing. I'm not one to ever want help usually but this time i know that I can't do this myself. I guess that's why I'm posting this. I'm not looking for answers, i really have no idea what I'm looking for at this point – just kind of going through the motions I guess