Been crying for quite awhile all because of my damn Fiance. He won't give up the hurtful things and says that he rather leave me. Guess I'm not as important as I thought I was to him. I was willing to give him my world. Lately I've been in my depressed state because of him. I already have to fight depression enough, Idon't need things added onto it. I swear, my anti-depressants arent working anymore or my depression has went to major because of him. i love him with everything I got, but seems like he doesn't as much. He says I'm different now. Well, no dip, depressed states destory who you are. Only until I'm out of it. Funny fact, I was happy when he agreed to give me his world but then said nevermind which was a tease. It's like here's your dog treat, wait no you dont need it youre just a filthy mutt. Maybe if you were a pureblood then yes. I'm not his ideal of perfect anymore. He hasnt even tried to fix it. He doesnt understand how people would die for my love because i give it my all. I cant do that when im depressed. How could i? Im not a fake. I wont fake my feelings to the ones i really really really love. And he hangs out with girls and everyone agrees thats not right. Of course its not right. He doesnt care though. He rather hurt me. He thinks he understands but he doesnt. He actually gave a girl named kat more freaking attention about her depression then he did me. He actually said: "Finally, a girl says how they feel. Why cant they all do it" Thats when i turned my chair the other direction and cried my eyes out. He complains when im depressed. Well if you gave me all youir attention and no girls any, then we wouldnt be having this problem. I mean, come on. I want to die. I cant stop crying. And it hurts that im not the only important thing to him when hes the only important thing other than queen and my grandparents. The rest i can not give too shits about. Of course ill care if they died because thats natural. I dont need to talk to them or hang out with them to be happy though. He doesnt understand how he could be happy if he just did what i asked. I would be happy again. I would show my love again. I would be his perfect again. I guess he doesnt want that. And im crying even more now. I cant believe he even was saying that this annoys him, calling me a bitch, trying to break it off with me, "fucking done with my cutting", tells me to get over it, and that hes not happy with me. I guess that means i have no reason to stay here now. I am what i have carved into my skin. Ill always be worthless, fuck up, stupid, crazy, nothing, and alone. I should have a warning label on my forehead that says fuck up. Thats all i will ever be known as. The broken beaten fucked up girl. Thats it. Thats all. :'(

2 Comments
  1. Azura_Mikio 6 years ago

    Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.  After reading through your blog post, it was painful to hear that you're dealing with such. Love is a two way street and you shouldnt have to change to become someone you're not. If he really does love you then he would at least make it half way. A relationship can't function when it's one sided. As for your medication, I'm sure it's working but with the addition stress and triggers for your depression it probably having a smaller effect on you. Have you tried walking it out with family or any close friends? I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to chat me up if you'd like someone to listen. People out there care about others, so don't be shy to ask for it when you can too. Hope your night goes better and you stop crying.

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  2. Aswa 6 years ago

    You've got ALOT going on atm.

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

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