Well, this being my first blog/journal I figured I might as well go on and explain why I am so depressed most of the time (outside of the fact that I am bipolar). This is a long story, so I apologize for that ahead of time.

I met the guy who would change my entire existance in middle school. I didn’t really think much of him when I first met him. He was just some dude who had moved from the opposite side of town down to the beach. I introduced myself because noone was really talking to him, he looked kind of alienated, but I didn’t want him to have to eat lunch alone, so invited him over to hang out wih my friends and I (he later went to tell me he was alienated because he had never really seen a gothic girl before and I at the time was VERY gothic). I had no idea that day would completely change the rest of my life and I am kind of glad because maybe I would have rethought my actions if I had known.

Over the next few years this guy and I became best friends. I mean inseparable. We spent every waking moment together.  We skateboarded all day, smoked cigarettes we weren’t supposed to be smoking, he would play guitar for me, and most of all he helped me overcome some serious family problems and the fact that I had dated some guy for a while that had completely brainwashed me and convinced me of my nothingness. Over time I fell in love with him and I was pretty much chasing him form then on out.

When he was 17 (I was 16 at the time) his dad called me at eleven o’clock one night to tell me that he had kicked him out and that he was now my responsibility and hung up on me. I went searching the beach for him the next day and found him. He was staying in some crappy squat of an apartment over a restaurant. I told him that I would help him out and brought him food and gave him money on the regular etc. We eventually started dating. Our first try at dating didn’t go well. He cheated on me and then moved back to the side of town he originally had came from and I didn’t hear from him more than a few times for two months.

When he left I was wrecked, my rock, my strength was gone. Furthermore the person I thought was my best friend had completely betrayed me. I fell apart. I laid in bed all day and cried. I would listen to the same CD by the band he had introduced me to "Codename: Spivey" by Self (hence the sccreenname) over and over on the way to school and work, pretty much shutting everyone out. Then when I had finally given up I got a call on Christmas Eve and it was him. He was calling to say that he was coming to visit. I begged my dad into letting me stay home for Christmas  (they were going up to GA) and I guess he was so relieved that I wasn’t in my room crying, he gave in.

When he showed up at my door the next evening we just stood and stared at each other. All I could find words for was "Merry Christmas". He gathered me up in his arms and we hugged for what must have been forever. I think I cried. We walked out to the beach and talked for a long time. Then he told me that he was sorry for everything and that I was his savior, his angel, and he would do anything to win my trust back because he loved me so much. Of course I said yes. So the gift he gave me was my love and my life back.

The next month he came to visit for my brithday and he said if I wanted he would drop everything and move out to the beach for me. I enthusiastically agreed. Freshly 17 I moved out of my dad’s house and into a motel with him and we lived for two weeks on ramen and pb and j until we moved in with my sister. Things were friggin blissful. I got showered with affection every day and I had my best friend back and at that time we were so stoked to be around each other all the time.

About 2 year in things started becoming different. We were no longer living with my sister, but with room mates. He didn’t want to be around me as much. He seemed irritated with me most of the time. He would ignore me, go out wiht his friends all the time, he would even go as far as to make fun of me in front of his friends. I would put my arm around him and he would shove it off and say "God could you not hang on me" or "Not now. I am busy", it started really tearing away at my self confidence and self esteem. I miscarried a baby shortly after we found out I was pregnant. I tried harder and harder and I think after a while I actually lost myself because I was working so hard to make him happy and to be in his favor that I was paying no attention to myself.

We got engaged. I actually proposed, I think I was panicing that I was losing him when I did it. We signed a lease to the first nice apartment we had had ever and within a month he broke it off, saying he wasn’t in love with me anymore, didn’t find me attractive anymore, and only said he would marry me to make me happy. He also said that he felt like he was missing out on life. I spent about 2 weeks in my room with bottles of vodka, listening to the sounds of laughter in the living room coming from him and his friends. I eventually moved out and he was pretty hateful towards me for about 6 months while I became more and more suicidal and my alcoholism became worse and worse.

I was at a party one night and ran into one of our long time mutual friends. I drank an entire bottle of vodka that night. This friend had nowhere to crash so I told him he could crash on my couch. We went back to my place and I only remember flashes and I won’t go into detail, but I was pretty much taken advantage of. I remember waking up and realizing what happened and I wanted to die. I had only been with one person in my whole life and then this person who I had known for years had just completely stolen my pride, my purity, and sanity all in one evening. Most of my friends were no longer really talking to me so I called the one person I thought might care considering it was our mutual friend (that person was my ex). He didn’t really believe me. He said I was drunk so how was I to know that I didn’t egg it on. I fell apart and sank further

After six months from the breakup I was on vacation in the Bahamas with the girl that was my ex’s roommate (she had been friends with both of us since middle school) and she called him to let him know around what time we would be getting back in town and he asked to speak to me. He said that he would like to hang out and I reluctantly agreed.

We hung out when I got back and it went well. It was like we were best friends again. Needless to say we got back together. Things were good for a long time. We didn’t move back in with each other, but we hung out on the regular and life started to resemble some sort of normalcy (if there is such a thing), but problems lurked underneath. I had a serious alcohol problem, let alone an array of trust issues. We got through it for about 3 1/2 years and then he started falling back into old habits of neglect and cruelty. He decided it would be best if we were in an open relationship with the rules of no emotional involvement (because he knows I wouldn’t be physically involved with anyone I wasn’t emotionally involved with). I didn’t want to be in one, had no intention of seeing anyone else, but he insisted on it otherwise we would break up. I sat back and took it for a long time. He would call and tell me about the girls he met sometimes and any footing I had on any sort of recovery disappeared and I would drown his words away with more booze.

I met a guy at work. He was friends with some people I knew. He was nice and funny and had similar interests and we bec ame friends. After being friends with this guy for a while, and with my ex being emotionally neglectful, cruel, and unaffectionate, I formed an attachment. The guy expressed "sincere"interest and I decided I was going to leave my boyfriend before anything happened. Maybe we were in an open relationship, but that’s not how I am and I thought it was the right thing to do. I made plans to move out, secured a new house, and told my boyfriend the news. It is at this point that he realizes that he has always loved me and that he was a fool and begs me not to leave. He cried every night. He would wake me up at  5:30 a.m. for arguments. He threatened to end his life over and over.  I wanted to believe him that things would be different, I truly did, but I couldn’t… it had been bad too long. One night he told me I should just go ahead and get my stuff together and get out (it was a few days before my new house would be ready) and I said I would. He came out of the bathroom screaming an inch from my face, walking forward as I was backing away until I was against the wall. Then he punched a wall next to my head and I moved out that night.

3 months later, the guy I was dating broke up with me because he couldn’t handle the fact that I still talked to my ex because he really didn’t have anyone and was extremely depressed and suicidal. Shortly thereafter he lost his place to live and needed a place to stay so I let him move in.

We got back together again, things were good for a while. I had severe trust issues at this point. My alcoholism was ridiculous. We would fight about it a lot. He withdrew from me and started doing nothing but playing video games all of the time.  I wanted nothing more than to just get us back to good though. I had committed myself to it. I put real effort to it and there were times when it did get better. We would hang out like we used to, we would do thing together. We were happy.

The tides turned yet again when my sister moved in and brought with her other substances problems, lt alone the fact she was an alcoholic as well. We started going out a lot. My alcoholism took a turn for the worse and now I was doing a lot of partying. Reason and rationality started to leave me. My bf and I would argue constantly and I was really defensive about my drinking. I would get mad at him for telling me not to drink and that I was keeping the wrong company (he was so right though). All happiness we had built quickly dissipated. He withdrew, we fell apart. I broke up with him and started dating someone else that shared in my insane partying and I was the cruel one then. I was so heartless that I am ashamed of myself. I showed no sympathy, I just drank and partied and reveled in my new found irresponsibility.

After three months and a complete mental breakdown I quit partying and drinking all the time. Me and the guy I was dating broke up. I found myself all alone in the world. My ex and I still talked, we were still friends through it. I think he was just waiting for me to come to my senses or hoping I would get better. We rebuilt some trust and decided to date again.

After a while we were serious once more and stayed together for years. I don’t think we ever really fully recovered. We both had messed up so much. We tragically loved each other though, we always did… through every trial and every tribulation. After 10 years of being together, he finally left me for the last time for a 21 year old girl. He quit speaking to me and didn’t even tell me he was, but let a family member know so they could let me know. the last thing he ever really told me other than goodbye was, "I don’t have to be with you to know you are the best thing that ever happened to me."

It’s a year later and I can’t get over this. I have never ending nightmares. The one person I always told everything to is gone. I know it must seem sick but I miss him and I realize where we went wrong in retrospect. I just wish I would have known then what I know now…. that’s enough for tonight.


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