I think I just realized something. I don\'t think I\'ve ever had any self esteem. I guess I don\'t really think I am worth much. Discusting isn\'t it? Yeah, well it was hard to admit. I don\'t let myself think that way because it is not the "right" way to think.
But you know, looking back on my life I have come to the conclusion that I never really thought much of myself. This is why I have to try to help everyone else and I can\'t stand things to be all screwed up for someone else. It\'s OK for me though, I can handle it…or so I thought.
I didn\'t go to the prom in highschool, I didn\'t join any clubs or even try out for anything I didn\'t try to dress stylishly or even be a part of a group. I was different and I thought that made me cool, or a loner, but what I realized was that I truly didn\'t think I was good enough.
I watched my parents spend $40 grand on my older sisters wedding and $0 on mine, I didn\'t even ask. Why you say? Because I did\'nt think I was worth anything to them. I didn\'t go to college, because guess why. Yeah, who would want to give me a scholarship? How would I make it? I\'m not smart enough. So what did I end up doing? Jobs that help people, nurses aid, childcare, massage therapy…and so on.
I guess what I am saying here is that I am TIRED of not being enough. Not feeling like I have anything to offer anyone. Not being taken seriously. I guess I\'m pissed and I want to change this, but how?