I think I just realized something.  I don\'t think I\'ve ever had any self esteem.  I guess I don\'t really think I am worth much.  Discusting isn\'t it?  Yeah, well it was hard to admit.  I don\'t let myself think that way because it is not the "right" way to think. 

 

But you know, looking back on my life I have come to the conclusion that I never really thought much of myself.  This is why I have to try to help everyone else and I can\'t stand things to be all screwed up for someone else.  It\'s OK for me though, I can handle it…or so I thought. 

 

I didn\'t go to the prom in highschool, I didn\'t join any clubs or even try out for anything I didn\'t try to dress stylishly or even be a part of a group.  I was different and I thought that made me cool, or a loner, but what I realized was that I truly didn\'t think I was good enough.

 

I watched my parents spend $40 grand on my older sisters wedding and $0 on mine, I didn\'t even ask.  Why you say?  Because I did\'nt think I was worth anything to them.  I didn\'t go to college, because guess why.  Yeah, who would want to give me a scholarship?  How would I make it?  I\'m not smart enough.  So what did I end up doing?  Jobs that help people, nurses aid, childcare, massage therapy…and so on.

 

I guess what I am saying here is that I am TIRED of not being enough.  Not feeling like I have anything to offer anyone.  Not being taken seriously.  I guess I\'m pissed and I want to change this, but how?

2 Comments
  1. LillyMunster 12 years ago

    i\'ve recently come to this conclusion as well. i think this is really the source of anxiety….if you believed/had confidence in yourself, why would you be so fearful?
    it\'s so weird..i was so in denial about my low self-esteem i was completely in shock when i realized i had almost completely no self-confidence! well, like the person before me said-atleast you\'ve identified the problem. that\'s the biggest step.
    i\'ve started trying to work on my self confidence too. what helps me is everynight, or anytime i feel insecure, i remind myself about all the good things about me. i ATLEAST write an entire page of \”compliments\” to myself. i try to repeat these compliments to myself through out the day. and it does help alot. it helps reverse that negative thinking process.
    try and treat yourself good. invest in some of your favorite hobbies, cook for yourself, keep up w/ your hygiene, eat candle lit dinners ect ect. & do it because you deserve these things! i know this probabley sounds silly, but what better way to raise self-esteem than to treat yourself like you deserve it?
    this\'ll help reverse that i\'m-not-good-enough feeling you were describing. it helps rewire the negative thinking process.
    it sounds like you\'re being waayy to hard on yourself, i also have this problem. just try to remember you\'re human & you\'re going to make mistakes, but that is ok. also, if you haven\'t already, you NEED to realize these thoughts you have about yourself being not good enough are completely false & illogical. everyone\'s good enough.
    ok, i\'m really sorry, i wish i could write more but my computer has crashed & i\'m typing this message on my wii..lol not so easy. i saw this and felt like i had to reply. i really hope i helped.
    remember this\'ll take a while & all of the smallest steps counts. you\'re going to have to reverse alot of habits & your thinking process even…& that\'s not easy. but it\'s certainly isn\'t impossible. and things do get better 🙂
    i hope things get better for you! remember, you\'re not alone!!

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  2. sleepygirl 12 years ago

    Thank you both, you have helped me more than you know. I really appreciate your kindness and responses.

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