Up before the sunrise again. I'm starting to like being up this early; there's nothing that I HAVE to do ~ I'm free to blog orplay games or have a conversation (well, that is if there's anyone awake to talk to, lol).
Yesterday was emotionally for me and I had a hard time keeping myself together. 10 minutes before we left for Zach's award ceremony I started crying about my Mom's treatment of me while talking about it with my husband. I think the lack of sleep caused it for the most part ~ I've been so tired lately, and waking up early before the sun rise doesn't help my emotionally stability. I know I have to take better care of myself and I need to see my doctor about how I'm feeling. It seems like I haven't slept right since I started the Abilify. I know in the beginning of taking it I had a really tough time with insomnia.
This is going to sound strange ~ but I don't feelright. I feel weird and I don't know how to explain it.It feels like maybe I'm headed into troubleor already in it. I feelvery detached most of the time, and I'm isolating very strongly. I hope this doesn't turn into a bout ofpsychosis where I'm hallucinating again ~ that's so scaryto me. When I get into a bad bout of depression sometimes I hearpeople talkingto me that aren't there.I know they're not real, that it's the disease manifesting into one of my bigger fears. They always say thesame things: you're going to die soon, you don't have much time, etc… It terrifies me even though I know it's not real. And it sounds likethey're standing right next to me which is very unnerving. I think that's part of the reason that I'm on the Abilify ~ because I've been in bad depressions before and this has happened. The good news is I can still tell the difference betweenreality and what's not.
On a different topic I want to talk about my Mom again. Yesterday afternoon I decided the best thing for me in this situation was silence, so I only spoke when spoken to and I didn't waste any words. I didn't ask about her day, didn't begin a conversation, I just kept to myself unless I was dealing with my son or my husband. I made sure my answers to my mom were polite and short. Well all of a sudden she decided to be a nice person to me. She baked brownies for everyoneand tried to start conversations with me several times. She said"thank you" to mefor cooking dinner last night. I noticed herlooking at me a lot ~ quizzically really like she couldn't understand whatwas different.
Earlier in the day I almost demanded that we move out ~ that I was done with the b.s. and all the crap I was catching from her, and sick of the arguments and "discussions"betweenmyhusband and her.I feel like I'm losing it here and that thisenvironment is not healthy for any of us; especially me. I'm perfectly willing to move into an efficiency or a1 bed/1 bath apartment. The problem is findingone;specifically one that will allowpets.
I will say this in her defense, and it may be the key to all of what's happening ~ my husband told me that she asks him about how I'm doing all of the time. That surprisedme. I think she's feeling displaced because I used to always depend onher for help going to the doctor or talking to abouthow I feel. My husband and I's relationshiphasgrown so much in the lastfew years and he finally got it together and started being supportive of my treatments and taking me totherapy and such. Sheused to complainthat Aaron couldn't handle it and had his head stuck in the dirt sohe wouldn't have to see reality. Well he's changed since then (because our marriage depended on it) and nowdoes thosethings that Mom used to do. With that knowledge I can see the jealousy and rivalry clearly between the two of them. Maybe I need to attempt to sit down with my Mom and talk to her about all of this. I'm afraid to though because it could turn into a screaming match if I say anything negative about her behaviors and that doesn't solve anything.
Anybody have advice they'd like to share about how to deal with this situation? It would be greatly appreciated!