So since I last wrote, everything and I mean everything went wrong. I talked with a professional on Wednesday which worked out well, she tried to talk about my feeling and where they were really coming from. Our conversation was mainly about broken friendships and the current ones and how I haven’t found that one best friend here at college. It was great to be able to sit down and talk about what’s really wrong with me and not be judged about it. It felt awesome. She told me to go out and make new friends to feel better about friendship to find other connections that might be stronger. So I decided to stay this weekend (which what I was confused about doing on my last blog).

Before I begin the story of what’s going on here’s some background information to give you the real me. (I’ll give fake names to this) I’ve had roommate issues since freshman year. The first one dealt with how my roommate talked about other people behind their back, one in particular, and then the following semester became her best friend. Problems started after I explained to them that I didn’t want to room with them the following year. The following year comes (last year) I was in a 3 person room with my best friend, Sarah at the time when we got an email saying some other girl, Ashley is coming in to room with us. Last year I had an issue with my one roommate not inviting me and inviting the girl who I thought was my best friend here, but it seemed like she (Sarah) kept choosing the other girl (Ashley). For example, Ashley would say, IN FRONT OF ME to Sarah, asking to go to a St. Patrick ’s Day party with her and I butted in saying I want to go. That day came and random people who were underage were drinking in my room on a school night. When they decided to go to a party together as they went out the door with everyone Ashley looks back and says, “We’ll be back.” I was beyond pissed. By the night Ashley had 2 random people (a couple) I did not know sleep in the bunk above me… and one was coughing all night keeping me awake, I was pissed because I wasn’t even asked if they could stay. Moving on, I had made another friend, Julie who I had gotten close to. And then it gets worse where Sarah was cheating on her 4 year relationship bf that was at home. The one night Sarah picked Ashley’s friends over me and my friends (Julie and Courtney). We drank separately before one of the school’s dances. And my friend working the front desk of our building (who roomed with Ashley freshmen year and hated her) told me how Sarah was being dragged by a certain boy. Knowing the boy was on a specific sports team that was how I was going to identify him. With Julie and Courtney witnessing this they stayed out of it, while I was on my way looking for Sarah before the hallways doors locked, but drunk Ashley wanted to come too. My plan was to call her phone listening to see if she was in a room. After asking and calling without her picking up 30 plus times, I found where she was, but the guy’s roommates lied and told me to leave. When she was on her way back, she ends up texting Ashley, not me who was worried and looking and had the information. Ashley puts her in the SHOWER (while I worried shes raped), and Ashley leaves telling me to take care of her because Ashley was going to her bfs room. I felt like I was the 2^nd friend who shouldn’t take care of someone who seemed to like another person better. Sarah and I had serious talks where I gave her advice and she would go off and do the opposite, so I felt like I wasn’t with a good friend, all summer we didn’t talk and were mad at each other.

When signing up for this years dorms we got a suite, where Sarah, Julie, Courtney (Julie’s friend), and I were planning to live together, but have our own rooms, sharing a living room and a bathroom. Coming back Sarah and I patched things up. With some small rocks on the road, things started building up where I am now. Living with girls I tend to see flaws and get annoyed, like annoying voices they made, when they smell bad, singing voices, and taking things that are mine without asking (specifically coming into my room was I was on the phone with my grandmother to grab my alcohol). I have always still been friendly with all of them, but of course being best friends with Sarah before I was closer to her. So as I’m going through this being really upset thing now for the past two weeks I end up at the therapist office on Wednesday, talking about a lot of this and other past things from middle school and high school broken friendships. The therapist’s office shares the same waiting room as the doctor’s office, so of course coming out I ran into Courtney. She wanted to know why I was in there, telling her I can explain later and not to tell them why I was there. We end up at dinner 30 mins later and joining us is Sarah’s friend Jessica. So it seemed like throughout dinner I wasn’t included in conversations, so I got up and left. I had to go to a presentation, and came back going straight to my room. I got a knock on the door, and I said come in, but Courtney said, come out here we want to have a meeting. I went out sat down and it was silent so I asked what are we talking about? And Courtney said, “We’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately and been really upset.” After the first 3 words, I was already balling my eyes out and said twice I don’t want to talk about this and ran into my room closing the door behind me. I then texted them all thanking them for caring about me but explaining that I was getting help and the idea of a meeting scares me.

The following day I had a night class and came back to talk to Sarah about the situation and how I didn’t Like what Courtney says sometimes. For example, thinking she knows whats best, talking for the group and how she tried to reacted how Sarah acted one time. Now we get to last night, where everything bad happens. I had to wake up at 6am to go 4 hours away for a school trip not getting back until 8:30, and one of the girls who went on the trip talked about how she wanted to go to the dance that night, but lives off campus, so I offered my room. Since I was talking to Sarah about plans for the night previously, I was texting her replying that my friend was staying over. Afterwards, she informed me that 2 of her friends were staying over, and if I told the other roommates which I hadn’t because I didn’t think it was such a big deal, especially considering that Sarah has one boy sleep over every night without letting the roommates know.

So innocently I texting them letting them know about my friend staying over, and Courtney replied back, saying that we hadn’t discussed it yet. Then things went further where Courtney was fighting with me about how I had a problem with her and talking behind her back, and how there was a problem with communication. So then we went back and forth about the situation of commication but I kept pushing, Should I tell my friend that she can’t stay… let me know now so I can do so now rather than later. Never answering my question, I said, Ok I understand you want to talk this, but the current problem is my friend who has no place to stay and I have offered my bed to her for the night. Next thing you know Courtney said that I only cared about myself in the situation and putting me down. She even said, “ I thought we could talk about this like adults but instead you ran away.” I explained I didn’t want to get my friend involved and if we can about this tomorrow so she said whatever and then added I might not be emotionally available tomorrow. And I said what the best time is for you, so she said I’ll have to check my calendar. The saddest part is that without my friend being there that night I would been in the worse mood.

SO here’s where my thoughts are: on top of being depressed, my friends are making more of an issue. I feel like Sarah must have told Courtney about stuff I said. So now I cannot trust Sarah, and Courtney is pissed and since Courtney and Julie are good friends, I feel like it’s 3 against one. They came back with friends and ended up being loud, while my friend and I felt excluded so we stayed in my own room. I called my bf last night and told him everything, while he tried to convince me that they have a point. It’s almost like I have no one to go to. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s their fault, or a mix. I’m a bad judge of my own problems. I don’t know how to fix this or if I even want to. I feel like giving up, I have a 3.78 GPA and I’m about 1 and ¾ of the way more to graduate. My friend told me though to ask myself if this will matter within a year. I just want to get through this life without problems.