I'm really frustrated right now. I don't know what to do. My hear beats so loudly I can feel it pulsing in my ears. I just want to hit myself. I want to destroy something. I want to scream. I want to cry but I cant. I Don't feel anything and at the same time I feel everything.
It all started as we drove back home. She pulled into a gas station and something reminded me of what she did to me two months ago. How she ripped my heart out… How for 3 weeks I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't eat. I wanted to feel pain and no matter how much I hurt myself… No matter how much other people hurt me… I couldn't feel anything. I turned quiet but she obviously knew something was wrong. I don't tell her what I'm feeling no matter how much she asks. I just don't want to talk to her about it. My attempt to talk to her about it in the past yielded no response. It's better to not talk about it.
The ride back was quiet… With the exception of a few "I love you" and I'm "sorry" remarks. My legs are shaking. We pull up to the house. I take my laptop out the back seat and I bring it and plug it in. It wont work. That's when I lose it. I grap my laptop and fling it accross the room. It's hits the sofa and I go to grab it when she grabs my arm and starts to ask what wrong. I say nothing… just go see your friend. Just leavfe me alone… she wont go… and I know I shouldn't have done what I just did. How can I lose my cool in front of her. I love her… but I just can't control myself. I grab my laptop and snap it in half. I just want to destroy something. Everything I went through two months ago comes back.
So she leaves… she's gone to go see a friend of hers that's having some problems. Problems not to different from mine. That reminds me even more of what I went through.
I just want to Isolate myself. My nerves are killing me. There is a pain in my stomach. I want to run away.