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My boyfriend works away and after 3 months away hes home. I thought all my anxiety would go away but for some reason it got pretty bad. I think its just change in my routine? I’m so obsessed with thoughts of anxiety that it bores the life out of me. How i took my peaceful thoughts for granted! Hes been home a week now and my anxious feeling seemed to settled down. Last night we dicided to go for a meal and drinks. I had more orless given up alchol because ot makes me feel very depressed the next day! The think is i love going for meals and having a few relaxing drinks.  Ive become so used to feeling mentally horrible the next day that ive come to except it.

I had a lovely night last. A lovely meal and great company with my partner. I didnt get to drunk and everything went good so why do i feel so bad?

When i was younger i used to get stupidly drunk and make a fool of myself. I made bad choices and did things that would make me cringe for days after and everytime i feel hung over my brain instantly gives me these same worrys. Its just one big fu*king bad habbit and today i’m going to begin to train my self in to stopping these negative thoughts. I’m starting to realise that i need to stop being so hard on myself. Despite the obvious guilt of not liking to feel crappy round the kids ( sore head little grumpy ) i shouldnt be bothering myself with such bad thoughts such as

Todays going to be so bad. I will have panick attacks. Im going to feel frighten all day. I just want this day to end. Ive poisioned myself something bads going to happen!…

On reflexion its seems a bit steap! Why do i need to feel the need to beat myself up so much? By no means do i want to drink all the time or do i believe i shouldnt get the hangover, i just need to not make it worse by adding anxiety in the mix.

I know that alchol is a depression so its natural to feel down the next day but i take it to the extreme. I eat healthy, i work out and im always taking kids out playing so im not a bad person although my thoughts tell me i am.  Well you know what!? Im sick of  this shit. Im sick of always feeling im a bad person and punishing myself. I’m a good person. I treat people with kindness and i try to make good choices. I’ve become so used to allowing anxiety riddle my brain and body that i except it as part of my life.

In writing this blog im making a change in myself today. Its not about the hangover or “Hanxiety” its about how im no longer letting fear control me. These feeling have so far taken half my life and i wont let them take 18 more! I know its wont be easy but just in typing this i feel stronger. I dont deserve to have nasty feelings about myself. Non of us do ( providing were good people ofcourse ) during these dark times im realising things about myself i never knew. I realise that after a rough childhood and major events in my life, such as the sudden death of my mother, abusive father, family full of drugs and crime, so on and so forth, that im not actually very nice to myself. I believe i should always feel sad or afraid. The neglect i felt as a child i have taken into my adult life. I have a patner who loves me dearly and 3 beautiful children. I have my own home and some of the best friends i could ever wish for! So why do i plague myself with scary thoughts that make me wish the days over?  Because of habbit! Because of what im used to. So today im going to battle with my anxious thoughts and im going to have a good day. Im going to take my twins to the cinemas. Im going to do atleast one kind act to a stranger then im going to come home, relax in a bubble bath and cuddle up to my boyfriend. Fuck you anxitey! 

2 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    I think you need to let go of ideas of good and bad. They’re for children. Adults operate under a different system: right and wrong.

    “Did I make the right decision?” or “did I make the wrong decision”.

    On the facts, on the day, in the circumstances. What I mean is that wondering if you’re a good person or not is a timewaster and it means nothing. you’re not there to be some ill-defined idea of ‘good’. What is that even?

    Just live day to day, look after the people that need looking after including yourself, and stay the hell away from alcohol. Alcohol is a drug like nicotine, and when you come off it you get anxiety like nicotine. Until you no longer have anxiety you’ll need to just stay away from the booze.

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  2. Author
    lucywinterburn 4 years ago

    I really like your comment thank you. I never looked at it that way before!
    I syruggle to stay away from booze as its been part of my life for so long. I no longer drink to get drunk which is an improvement

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