I really need help, i dnt know what im going to do. Im so frustrated with everything lately i havent been able to stop thinking about my ex boyfriend who broke up with me almost 2 years ago, its been hell 4 me since then. It feels like part of me is missing like im stuck in a hole that i cant get out of because i still have strong feelings 4 him.I know 4 a fact that he doesnt love me or cares for me anymore because he told me himself, i strongly believe that he never did but stupid me made the mistake of falling madly in love with him, only about a month or so after we broke up he was already trying to get with some other girl. I feel very stupid for having feelings for such a narcissistic asshole which he is and has always been but i just cant help it, apart from still loving him i really hate him i hate him with a passion and i know that it doesnt make very much sense but thats really how i feel. A while back i was really able to control myself for some strange reason, and i say strange because a good portion of the time i dnt have any control of my thoughts whatsoever. But its like a cut that just never heals because i just start to think about him again. Apart from that i think alot about my friend Nicole who commited suicide in November of 2008 a few months after my break up so it was kinda like adding fuel to the fire because i was still in a lot of pain over my ex, the death of Nicole really traumatized me especially because she was so young 14 yrs old, she was like a little sister 2 me especially because she knew my pain, she knew what it was like to suffer through bipolar disorder which is what ultimately made her take her life. A lot of people ask me, "why do u dwell on your past so much?" and the answer is, everything that's happened to me in my past was so painful that its unforgetable to me, as hard as i may try i cnt stop thinking about it, its full of so much pain that im just stuck there just wishing that i could change everything thats happened. I remember when i first started dating Cameron (my ex) my mother warned me not to let my emotions take control of everything else like my common sense because even though i was only 17 at the time i was known to be very smart and have alot of common sense, apart from that she also warned me not to do anything i would regret, unfortunately my emotions got the best of me and i did something that i really regret now (most of u probably know what im talking about). A month after that happened he split and i fell to pieces, 4 weeks later i started to get morning sickness and soon found out that he left me a little gift. It was terrifying to find that out because i was only 17 and me and him had already been broken up for 2 months, i didnt want to dissapoint my parents because they always thought i was so smart and responsible and my older sister had gotten pregnant when she was 17 also. Going back i remember that when we were together he always told me that he loved children and really wanted to be a parent, but one day i asked him what he would do if i got pregnant and he told me he would want me to have an abortion, which really confused me. About a week after i found out i gathered the courage to call him and tell him about the baby but after hearing his voice i hung up because i got scared, after that i decided that i wasnt going to tell him at all. It was crushing but i knew how he was and i though he would either deny the child or not care at all. About 3 weeks later i started bleeding and had very bad pains in my abdomen, when that happened i just got a very intense feeling of dread, my mother had no idea that i was pregnant and i didnt intend on telling her so i called a friend to take me to the hospital, where the doctor informed me that i just had a miscarriage. For a few minutes i was very silent really didnt show any emotion because it was all just sinking in but after that i burst into tears, i was very heart broken but at the same time i was sort of relieved not because i didnt care for the baby or anything but because i realized that my failed relationship with it's father would've probably made his or her life hard, also i was too young, young and stupid i might add. Also i didnt really want anything to do with him anymore and this child would tie us in some sort of way for the rest of our lives. In a way it was a relief but for the most part i was devastated. Even until this day i think about that baby i dream about it, in my dreams its always a little boy which makes me think that if the baby would've had a chance to live it would be a little boy :-). Even to this day ive never told Cameron that i was carrying his baby once, my family doesnt know either and i dnt plan on ever telling them.So as u can see ive been through so much pain and heartbreak over the past 2 yrs or so and i want to move on, i want to leave the past in the past but im stuck.