When I was about 12, my dad started to show signs of OCD. He comes from a home of two brothers whom died at an early age; father passed away and mother still lives not to far from us. My dad’s OCD stemmed from a company he worked for that had asbestos on their pipes. Every day after work he would come home with files and noticed a powdery substance. My father; being the brilliant man he is, maybe to brilliant for his own good. He developed a mental notion that if he didn’t shower to rinse this "substance" off of him, he could very well pass on to us. My brother and I. What started out to be 2-3 hour showers, went to 8-12 hour showers. My dad/mom started sleeping on two different beds. My dad never wore the same set of clothing twice. He would stack gloves upon gloves over his hands. When he touched one thing; he would take off one layer of glove and use another… Hand washing increased..tensions raised…My mom was left to be the husband and wife of our home….Their marriage beyond turmoil..
Fast fwd to I am 29. I am relatively successful. Great friendships. Great family life. But one thing suffers; my relationship with men/boyfriend.
I live in fear when I am in a long term relationship. I fear of loss; it consumes me so much sometimes I rather die then face my fears. I feel as if I will never get better. I cry often and get into many fights with my current boyfriend. He has no clue what goes on in my mind. I have lost several boyfriends because of my clinginess to them. The funny part is, I am very independent. But become the opposite of what I really am when dating someone for a long time. I started going to couples therapy with my current bf. I tried taking 5 HTP. I don’t know what to do at this point. I get so anxious at work when I don’t hear from my bf. I cant think of anything else and my mind is clouded and however pressing any issue is at the moment. I am just focused on losing my bf…. This is currently affecting all aspects of my life…
I am so afraid this is going to affect me long term. It has already. I have so much to offer but I must overcome my fear? WHO will want someone like me? Shall I be lonely forever?
My dad’s OCD is still serious but not as serious as it use to be. My mom and dad now do sleep in the same bed. No touching that is… And I pretty much haven’t hugged my dad since I was 12. BOO-HOO..
I look at women with their significant others and get so sad sometimes. Its so hard for me to feel the way they do. They don’t fear loss. They trust that tomorrow their boyfriends will be there….?
Why is something so simple? So hard?