Just popped half a xanaxx to help me sleep. Last night I didn’t sleep till four, and just like every night it was bizarre nightmares when sleep came. Things are better-ish in the day, less anxiety.

I emailed my roommates today, they’re both chinese and we all don’t know each other, we’ll be sharing an apartment. That is exciting, and currently an obsession, being prepared, finding things around the house I  might need, making space for them, organizing them. It is obsessive but calming. If I didn’t feel sick right now I’d probably be rumanging up in my attic for more lost treasures to reassure myself that returning to college is going to be okay.

The past four-five days….it started with hiccups, hiccups all day, more than I’ve ever had in a day before in my life. It was an interesting thing to have a conversation with me. The next day was my dinner party, and I knew I was going to get wasted…and probably hungover. This was not a regular hangover, it doesn’t feel like one, it can’t be one because I feel it right now.

I feel really weak, loss of appetite, nauseous, and…I keep on feeling the need to burp..no chest pain, no bloating, but the kind of heaves your body gives right before you puke…I have them and they’re coming out as burps. Today I faced the fact that there is no way this is a hangover, and I googled my symptoms….a big one that hit alot of them was Celiac’s disease, which means you can eat gluten….which would be awful because I LOVE anything bready or yeasty. I called my insurance’s nurse hotline, and they said to not freak out…..maybe this is just stress. Is it stress I hope it is. I’m tired of feeling like my body needs to puke but can’t, after 3 days I’m ready to stick my hand up my throat and try to get it out that way, whatever it is, illness, pain, anxiety, fear….


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