Last time I made it over 60 days since my last incident. However- my negative thoughts got the better of me and now it has been 3 days since my last incident. When depressed, I send irrational texts to my family and close friends- doing irreparable damage to those relationships. Since the incident, my phone has gone completely silent- not a word from my best friend or my family. When I go back and read what I texted, I don’t blame them for keeping their distance. Nobody wants to hear their friend or family member talk about ending their life. It tends to make people distance themselves. Luckily, my significant other has been there through it all, and he is stronger than anyone I’ve ever known. Instead of beating myself up for what happened, I am trying to learn from it and be grateful for the one relationship I still have. And, most importantly, my relationship with myself. I have to forgive myself, but it will take time. Every day that passes when I don’t hear from my family or friend it hurts. I’m reluctant to reach out to them because I am embarrassed and ashamed of the things I said. I have this emptiness in my heart and a lump in my throat. I’ve been feeling so isolated and alone.
That’s how I found the Tribe- and I joined today. I hope to make some friends and get support.
I’ve been in therapy for 9 years, and am on multiple meds for depression and anxiety. In 2014 I was homeless, in crisis, and hospitalized for depression. When I got out of the hospital, I started my life over. I have worked very hard to get well- and when these incidents happen, I feel like I should know better.
Welcome to the site ArtMajor!
I’ve never been that far into depression other than situational that it got better when I was out of it, but I do know from experience most people are ill equipped to deal with suicide. They want to solve your problems, but they just don’t know how and then distance.
I also understand hating yourself and anxiety those would be in my wheelhouse for sure. Although it is coming from a stranger that you don’t know, so take it for what it is. You turned your life around quite extensively just by getting yourself out of your homeless situation and that is a BIG accomplishment and mental wounds take a long time to heal. Sometimes it doesn’t heal fully and people need to find ways to cope, just look at war vets with PTSD that families no longer recognize.
So take a look at the progress you’ve made, and do your best to take little steps each day.
Thanks, link. That is some great advice. You are so right about PTSD after being homeless. I have had my own apartment for over 5 years now, and am stable. But I’m still afraid of losing everything at the drop of a hat. It’s a feeling of impending doom- like waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Hi there, and welcome to theTribe.
I also went through this kind of similar incident last month and another one around last week. I lost one of my closest friends after lashing them out uncontrollably. My significant other was the only one who reached out and saw through it. My mom and my sister are the only others that are aware of what I’ve been going through. So I’ve been attending a recovery program since. Currently unable to afford therapy though, and never actually had one in my life, but I’m considering on getting one this year if my issues persist. I’m currently practicing some mindfulness strategies as well self-compassion during my journey.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. And it’s nice to meet you by the way. It takes a slow and steady progress to get to where we want to be, and I believe you’ll make it through.
Hi Sabi-i,
Nice to meet you too. Glad you are here too. Therapy has taught me a lot, and I recommend it to everyone. When I got out of the hospital and was homeless, I found a program through the county mental health department that helped with my housing, therapy, and meds. That program saved my life. After all the therapy I’ve been through, I have some good tools to get me through the dark times. But the tools are only good if I use them! I have put in a request with my case manager to get back into therapy sessions, and I’m on the waiting list.
And, I believe you are going to make it too. You are here, advocating for yourself. That is an awesome start!