This leads to my friend Tommy sending me a text message some time last week reminding me that I still owe him some money that he lent to me some 10 years ago(that is NOT to say I consider it any less important just because it's been that long; if anything, it's just the opposite: I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I still have not been able to pay him back the full amount of what he lent me even after all of these years.)…He's been a great friend, has come through for me time & time again, etc…..But he also knows that I recently went thorugh a horrid bout of depression, and although he was supportive and understanding during that turbulent time for me.. what he apparently DOESN'T know, or understand, is just because I've been doing better in recent months, that does NOT mean that I have been ready to get a job again….but I think he''s the type that won't/can't understand that; to someone like him, he sees Improvement in me=no excuse not to have a job…so with that being said, allow me to ramble on about the job situation, or lack thereof, and also how I have absolutely no freaking money to pay him back right now(which I tried to explain to him in a detailed email), as well as the anger I feel towards him for not understanding(which I did NOT express towards him in said email but I think I very possibly will be doing so sometime soon if this all plays out as I envision it will)–and likewise the anger I felt toward the aforementioned Nemisis who hounded me here on DT…this is probably going to be all over the place, so forgive me if any of it comes across as incoherent, seems "out of order", etc.
So, let me start with some background info about what led me to going off the deep end about my job…All the hours and energy and heart& soul I put into the job were still somehow leaving me not much higher than above poverty status, leaving me not even remotely close to being in the same stratosphere financially as all of my peers that I've grown up with(the realization of which came to be in an unexpected and unplanned for way that turned out to beetoo much for me to bear–let's just say it was the joining of a particular social media outlet where it all hit me so hard and was arguably the biggest factor I believe in leading to my meltdown)...this pressure-filled, souless, suck-the-life-out-of-you job….was still doing nothing more for me when it came down to it –because of the shoddy pay and the inflexible uniquely terrible work schedule I was trapped into–than allowing me to be able to afford to have cableTV and an occasional night out at freaking Hooters for dinner–and that was about it as far as "luxuries" it could afford me(and people like us, more than any, I would argue, with our constant battles with depression, I personally feel and have come to realize that it's just as much of a NEED to have things we can afford to do that are pleasurable and fill our hearts and souls with joy just as much as it is a WANT, is it not? It's in its own way a method of "therapy" for us I think); still not even close to being able to do things I wanted/needed so badly to do: soul-rejuvenating things such as being able to travel–ie even with the money I was making working fulltime and occasionally overtime, somehow I still managed to never have any $ for airfare and hotel accomodations, to travel with friends to go see our favorite college sports team playfor instance, or to visit good friends in other parts of the country(or even the world in my case. Indeed, when/if my dream of ever being able to afford to travel again someday comes true, I've got friends I hope to go visit in Hong Kong, Israel, France, Sweden, and Toronto among others), no, not nearly enough $ for any of that shit, as well as other things, such as being able to buy my own computer(stlll to this day one of the few left in this freaking universe who does not have his own pc), buy a new pair of rollerblades, join a gym, go to sporting events or concerts, etc. .I guess so much of it still had to go in to paying my monthly rent for my one-bedroom apartment, endless amounts of debts that I still owed and still owe to this day, and also umpteen different problems with my aging car that ended up requiring me to put countless numbers of dollars into it for repairs, (and in case you were wondering, the idea of a new car was not possible–one friend in particular was always hounding me about this, saying it would be cheaper to get a new car than all the money I was spending on repairs. Nope, I was too embarrased to convery to him or whatever– not with my abysmal credit rating, not to mention my utter cluelessness as to how to shop for a car, among other things. anyway, those are the main things I can think of offhand), not nearly enough still even with the steady 40 hour-work week to ever have much of anything to pay back my friend the money I owed him…He himself should even remember how I somehow couldn't even afford to stay in a hotel with him when we went to a friend's wedding in Chicago, and instead had to stay in a cramped tiny apartment that another friend of mine had there…
Oh, and what good would have it been anyway at all to be making any kinds of extra available income that might have been used for fun things I always was hoping to do such as the things I mentioned above when you were forced to work as much of a f**ked up schedule as I was, one consisting of 7am-3pm Saturday, Sunda, and Monday, and 11pm-7am Tuesday and Wednesday…you tell me where in the hell I'm going to be able to go for all of a freaking day-and-a-half from approx Thursday afternoon –Saturday morning(had to get sleep afterall after 11am-7pm shift) Oh, and as far as "vacation time" was concerned in case you're wondering? Yeah, I did eventually earn that after one year of being at the job; I started the job in May 2008, so when I got to May '09, I finally earned 2 weeks vacation time; guess where both vacation weeks went too being used for? Unplanned-for stays in the hospital for severe depression. That's how I spent my "vacation".
And even if/when I get a job again, what are the chances I can find one where I'll be allowed to have off on weekends(to this day, have never been able to find any kind of part-time job for instance EVER in all my years that will allow you to have shifts that don't include weekends, also with two of the three full-time jobs I have held for that matter)? ANY freaking job that I would get would undoubtedly have to be one of those where they insist you be available to work weekend shifts or else they won't bother to hire you at all..(because jobwise, I always have been trapped in customer-service Hell, never having had a college degree to put on a resume combined with never having been able to "find myself" in terms of ever being able to figure out just what in the hell I'm good at and would be happy doing, never figured out "my calling" or whatever you want to call it, so all that still being the case, I figure whatever job I get next will still more or less have to consist of one being trapped in Customer Service Hell)… so even if I were to say have the $ to reunite with my friend from Sweden when she comes to NYC in the Fall(and maybe having the $ would not even be a total impossibility if I get a small-enough part-time job and combine that income with money from disability)what are the chances that I'll have a job that will allow me to get away for a weekend to hang out with her in NYC? Slim to none, I would imagine….
(To Be Continued, in case anyone cared, blah blah blah)