After writing my previous blog I began to feel a little sad so I sent Housemate A a text message.
“I need a hug”
It made me feel better almost instantly. It was the middle of the night so I didn’t think she would even get the message, but it didn’t matter if she gave me a hug or not, it was enough that I had somebody to reach out to when I needed it. I fell asleep straight away after sending that. I wasn’t going to toss and turn wondering if she got the message or not.
Anyway moving on to the next day. I woke up early and started painting a large pot plant out in the backyard. This was supposed to be the last sunny day of the week and although I didn’t feel like doing it I didn’t have much a choice. Although it was only a pot the painting took me half an hour due to the heaviness of the concrete structure and having the change to an enamel to finish the metal base.
After I had painted the pot I figured I would have breakfast and chill out for a bit before applying a second coat to the concrete portion (the gloss goes off far quicker than the enamel). As I was pottering around the kitchen getting some porridge ready Housemate A emerged from her room. I’m never quite sure how to handle these situations when I ask for help and don’t see the person until several hours later. So far Housemate B is 1/1 for timely responses and Housemate A is 0/3.
So we skirted around the issue to start with, and as I finished my porridge and started defrosting some breakfast muffins Housemate A finally broke the silence.
“About last night… I can’t be there anymore. I’m just not wired that way”
“What? Don’t worry about it”
“I’m sorry Matt. I’m just not wired that way”
“It’s fine”
“If you need to talk about things…”
“I said don’t worry about it”
I didn’t speak to her after that. I went about my business trying to ignore her. So it turns out she got the message in the middle of the night, but she chose not to respond. Not even a reply. If she had never mentioned that text message to me I would have been fine, but to ignore it and then explain that she ‘wasn’t wired that way’ tore my guts out.
I spent the rest of the morning cleaning up a few things and getting ready to go out. As time went on I began to resent Housemate A more and more. There have been stages over the past few months where it felt like she was the only person I could rely on, and now she ignores me. I’m too hard to deal with. I told myself that I would never speak to her about my depression again. That we would never interact socially again. She was only wired to function in her own little world where she was safe. There was no need for our worlds to intersect. There was no point in reaching out to her ever again.
Later that day I was dragged out by Sister 1. I felt very tired and I wasn’t very talkative since I was still hurt by Housemate A. My mood didn’t improve until we had lunch and then I began to see things from a different perspective.
As I sipped my first pint in over two months things began to solidify in my mind. I wasn’t responsible for Housemate A’s problems. I have bigger things to worry about than whether or not she is going to respond when I feel suicidal. Those are her problems, and I can’t do anything about that. Of course I still feel I need to look out for her, and if she looks down then I’ll ask her what’s going on. But I’m certainly not going to ask her for help again.
I don’t resent Housemate A anymore. I need to be responsible for my own actions and my own safety, and there are some things that I can’t fix. I’m not going to bottle things up, and I don’t have a problem talking about my depression with people. When I start to feel myself heading toward suicide I’ll take responsibility for myself. Nobody else can be relied on.
I still need a hug, but I’m not going to waste my time feeling sorry for myself or for other people.
