Who knows if anybody will even read this but I guess it's worth a shot! I'm new to this and have no idea how it all works so I'm just going to wing it!
I'm a 19 year old girl from Australia. I, for the first time, admitted aloud to myself just two weeks ago that I suffer from Depression and Anxiety Disorders. I have known deep down for a long time, but never actually admitted it out loud before.
I have been this way since I was 13 years old. That was when it got to it's worst. But I guess when I think about it, it probably began back in 2004 when I was 11. It started with my first ever death in the family, of my Great Grandfather. Which was followed a few months later with the death of our new puppy. I can remember riding my bike, every single day after school, I would ride round and round our land, discman blasting music and tears streaming down my face. I blamed myself (although I now know better) for my puppys death. I thought I should have been home when he got hit by the car. I thought if I was home he wouldn't have escaped under the fence.
Next thing I knew I was starting high school. Wow so exciting! At the start everybody was friends, but by the end of year 7, the bitching had begun. Groups were forming and people were going their own ways. I kept my close friends from Primary School. We stayed close. But in year 8, my locker was away from all of them, and it started being sometimes, but then it was everyday. They forgot about me. They would all grab their food together and walk to our hangout together. Forgetting about me. It slowly began to hurt more and more. That there is where the worst began.
I started crying more then. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep. Issues at home were starting as well, causing everything to get worse. It was small, trivial things. Like me not being aloud to the local shops with my friends. They would all spend their weekends together, shopping, hanging out. I was left at home, not aloud to go out. I snuck out once, but I think it was too much trouble for them because I didn't get invited anymore.
The end of year 8 came around with a new friend. A girl from my class who felt she didnt fit in with her group. We bonded and by year 9 we were the best of friends. It was just the two of us, while we still spoke to our old groups, we no longer hung out together. Soon after we started hanging out with a guy in our class and his friends. They were all fairly shy around us at first. Unsure how to act around us two girls, but soon they opened up and we made great friends. But meanwhile at home things were deterierating. Mum and I were constantly arguing, usually ending in me in the bathroom or bed secreting crying to myself.
It happened in year 9 when I first decided to try and take my life. I lay in the bath and not realising it is physically impossible I tried to make myself drown. Obviously, this didn't work. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried an easier method. If I would have saved myself and others a lot of trouble and grief.
When that failed I thought it was a bad idea. I thought of my grandfather next door, I would miss him and he would miss me. I was scared and didn't know what to do. I chose to confide in a friend. Or someone who I thought was a friend. He then turned and told me not to lie then told people I said what I did. When I got his reply, I walked into my kitchen and took 6 Panadene tablets, aiming to take 12 but then I panicked… what if it didn't work? What if I just got sick and sent to hospital? Would they send me to a mental institute? I realised then, I would never be able to kill myself. I am too weak. It takes great confidence and great strength to decide to kill youself and follow through. Although my fears were not of dying but of failing and having to live, I was still too scared to try again. I definately thought about it. When cars drove past, or applicances were near water. So simple, yet so hard.
So there I was. Stuck in a life I wanted to get out of. Crying everyday. Crying myself to sleep. My favorite thing about all of the crying was my eyes. I have blue eyes, but for some reason whenever I cry they turn a bright green. My best feature and nobody will ever notice it because I keep my crying to myself.
So I spent the rest of my years of high school up until Year 11, trying my best to stay out of the bitching (though failing miserably). Reminding myself that soon I would be able to move out of home. And crying every week or so.
I never went back to school for year 12. That was asking too much so instead I went to TAFE and had a great year. I cried a lot less, though I did still cry. It was much more contained. By the end I was dating my best friend from high school, Michael (not his real name). That was in 2010. Now we are still together, but all that happiness that was there at the start is gone. Now I spend everyday in fear of losing him.
In my short 19 years of life the most important thing I've learnt is good things don't happen for nothing and that good things never last. I began to realise that Michael, being the best thing to happen to me wasnt going to last. To be honest I'm surprised he's lasted so long. I would want to be with me. I am so afraid of losing him because I know he can do so much better. He says he'll never leave me, but I just don't see how thats possible. At the start of this I said I admitted for the first time that I have depression and anxiety to myself. When I did this I was crying to myself while he was sleeping next to me about how I was going to loose him and I was so scared and I realised then, I have nothing to offer him. For one he has a girlfriend who is mentally disabled. Riddled with self confidence issues and lack of confidence and insecure. A girlfriend who fears everytime he goes somewhere that he wont come home or he will meet someone better. A girlfriend who may be able to give him emotional support and sexual things. But what can being single give him, friends for emotional support and lots of different girls with bigger boobs and without mental issues and baggage. And what can another girlfriend give him. Exactly what I give him but without the bullshit baggage. So why stay with me?
I don't know what to do about all of this. I need to see a psychologist, but I cannot afford it. I need to learn to believe in myself and have confience and be secure about myself, but I just don't see how! I can't see why Michael would stay with me!
I am sick of crying and sick of feeling like a knife is stuck in my heart and constantly being tugged and twisted to make hit hurt even more. I just want to be happy. To be able to smile a real smile that isn't just a mask for the world.