I feel like I’ve failed everyone. So many things have happened in my life that I feel the need to vent inside a post that I know nearly no one will respond to.

Sometimes, I don’t know the meaning of life. How the systems function together to propel essentially a culmination of cells through life and death. I feel like a minuscule dent in the big world, so tiny that people barely remember my existence. I feel worthless, so much so that I just lie in bed and watch videos all day because I don’t know what to do. Then I pick myself up, bring myself to work, and push through the day as if my struggles and thoughts don’t matter. Because they don’t. Everyone pushes my thoughts aside, it’s all about them and I can’t seem to get people’s attention to make them notice that I’m here and listening, always feeling left out of things that I want to be part of. And I tell them this, and they brush it aside like it’s nothing. Like my feelings don’t matter. Because they don’t. Nobody needs to know why I cry myself to sleep at night. Nobody needs to know why I seem like I’m always happy, putting a mask on for others. Nobody acknowledges my emotions or my existence, so why should I care about anyone?

I really don’t know what to do anymore. Everything that has happened, it happened for a reason, and the reason for it is to make me feel worthless, like I’m nothing, to bring me to the lowest of lows. To think nothing can save me.

I feel like a failure. I try to please people, I try to do everything I’m told, and it brings more yelling and screaming than praise and worship. It gives me false hope. I don’t think that people understand this. And I don’t really care to ask. Because I know they’ll all ask me why I think this way. That they’ll brush my worries off as something insignificant.

I just feel wrong, and different, and so out of place. Maybe among the freaks, I’ll find solace.