Ok so next month I am meeting up with my grandmother and maybe my father after 6years of not seeing them, growing up they effected me big time (nanna & dad) dad didn't want me and nanna did not keep that a secret! there is alot of mess involved basically.
I don't even know how to say what I want to say, like how do I let go everything they have done to me and how do I let go of how they have effected my life?
There's one main thing they have effected, most important being… this year I applied to join the air force, after years of thinking about it, controlling my anxiety about the change and the things I will encounter I was ready for that big change, I had my second round of interviews and found out I passed the IQ test thingy with flying colours, my health was great, my fitness was goodand I got the three jos I applied for, all I had to do was choose which one I wanted more, at this point im thinking "great!!! I'm doing just fine, I can do this, it's actually going well, I'm so proud of myself" THEN I go to the psycologist and KABOOM everything falls apart, she tells me that I can't go any further because I have "father issues" and "family issues" The one thing I didn't really think would get in my way became the sole reason why I could not forfill a dream I wanted to persure (I know its not all over I can still re-apply but it was devistating) Everytime i think back to that day I get so angry and heart, I had everything going for me, everything was working out and then as always my past with my family got in my way and took me a step back (its like the story of my life)
If my dad is there he's not really going to care too much about whats been going on, but my nanna will want to know everything, im not one for keeping my mouth shut, if I have something to say I will, and If I choose to say that….. AHHHHH I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! ummmm…. personally I want the meeting to be short and sweet because I dont know if i can give my nanna all the answers she will want, like
"why didn't you ever try to contact me?"
I have an answer but i dont know if its a valid reason for some one else to hear…. my answer would be "because as time went on and as I got older it became clear and understandable the things that you said to me as a child were not right, they weren't fair, they were degrading ect…" But then I know she will probably ask what it was she said, then I'd say and no doubt she wouldn't remember so then automatically I will be lying (she did the same thing when i was a kid) and thats the last thing I need, to be accused of lying.
She doesn't like my mum (not that mum did anything to her accept leave her son (my dad) and i really think nanna will start blabbering on saying that mum poisoned my thoughts and put all these things into my head and so on, which is far from true, mum never said a negative word about my nanna or my dad, dispite how much she dis-liked my dad, she wanted me to form my own opinion about things, and I know if nanna brings mum into it I will loose it, I will not take some one say bad/untrue things about my mum.
When I think through possible conversation hat could go on between my nanna and myself, its always negative, I cannot think of any pleasing or nice things she could say. My mums parents think she would be happy to see me, but i dont know, yeah maybe at first but after a while the questions will start and that happyness will no longer be there.
Omg It's too much lol