Today has been a pretty good day. I got a lot of sleep, and found out for SURE that I got the job with that company. But honestly, I don't care. I don't want to do that job. In my life 3 things are always consistant. Carrie Number 1 I want to hire you because you are just so happy all the time and in a good mood and you make others feel great. I need that in my life. Number 2. You are so good at cleaning and organizing and fixing things and people that have issues. And the last. Number 3 no matter where I am, I REALLY LOVE YOUR HAIR, YOU ARE SO CUTE!!! Most people would probly be to the point of VAIN but I hate hearing this because in my head I can reverse it and become a train wreck in the matter of seconds. I love and beileve very much in GOD and I don't understand why I fight the DEVIL every single day my eyes open. And the days where I want to hit a wall and end the noise are starting to come more often. I was once checked for Bi-Polar took a ton of the medications and was even OVER PRESCRIBED due to my size. Now it is a routine, if something goes OUT OF MY ROUTINE, I have a cow. Like for instance if someone stops over while I am doing my routine of cleaning and daily chores. I become very pist. I haven't had a job now for over a month. I have put in a TON of applications and did get hired onto several jobs but I don't want to do them. I am to death of fastfood jobs and always being used as the "HAPPY GO LUCKY CHARM GIRL" to make them better. IF that makes sense.

I have so many things I just want to blurt out and so many things I have been forgiven for and I can't get over them. They come back no matter how hard I pray to god. I even question god if he still loves me even though I am a mess and keep going through this everyday. I hear that saying all the time, "I am way to BLESSED to be STRESSED! Do you know what it feels like to see that and not know how to not be. Do you know how hard it is for my friends to understand my behaviour. I have lost a lot of jobs (cause I just quit) and friends because I am NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH!!! I don't know who I am trying to impress or who I am trying to be good enough for?? I just know right now it is hard to see past blame and guilt and anger of every single thing I have done wrong in my life. If I could have one thing in my life I wish I didn't have the thoughts that continue to let me know what a piece of crap I am!

I am functioning today, have a new job interview tomorrow BETTER job, teaching Pre-Schoolers. I want this job. The dollar tree called and said I was accepted and asked one question, DO YOU THINK YOU WILL BE HAPPY HERE? Can they tell, do they see it? I lied and said YES~ I turned down a big money job this weekened because I refuse to rebuild another store after someone let it go. I am tired of rebuilding people's lives and careers when they move on. I want a me job for me. That is why I think I would be really be good with the kids. It is a me thing. Love to play and teach and make the difference.

Today's post is longer, just have had a lot on my heart. Somehow when I pray I don't ever feel close to GOD anymore. I feel like there is a terrible wall up now and I am not allowed to be with him because of my brain and issues.

I downsized my FB page to people I only talk too. I am tired of all these people I don't know judging me or saying things to me or wanting to begin drama. I don't have any drama unless I invite other people's in my life. OR MY HEAD CAUSES IT!!! I hope all of my new friends on here are doing good so glad we have each other.