Look at the blog I wrote about the fight with my mother to understand what this is:

 

 

Dear Mom,
            My lack of control when it comes to my own life is one thing that I’m still working on. But I will take control of the things that I can, and that’s what I’m doing now. Some things I’m not okay with, and that’s what I’m going to address.
  1. It is unreasonable to deny me access to a doctor. Yes, I understand there are extenuating circumstances. But I am as sick as someone with pneumonia; illness does not go away on its own. There are hundreds of “areas” of our family in which I gracefully accept last priority because I recognize that someone else’s needs need to come before mine. But me getting better is not one of those areas. I desperately want to have just one normal day- one where my brain is the same as everyone else’s. I don’t think you, or anyone, for that matter, can accurately understand how difficult it is for me to just experience normal life, a life that others may consider very good, yet I cannot take an active interest in it. And another thing- I don’t care how many ballet lessons Lauren may have to miss for me to see Dr. *****- what does her future mean if I don’t have one at all?
  2. It is entirely unreasonable that I should get any anger directed at me for having my two or three extracurricular activities. Even if I attended three, they would all take place after school, and you would only drive, one way, three times per week. Lauren attends dance 7 days per week. Even if someone else drives her one way, that’s still seven trips out and back, per week- one each day. If Lauren never hears a complaint about driving her to where she needs to go, then I, whose requests are much more reasonable, certainly should not. Please do not cut out my school experiences so that Lauren can have more. That is entirely unfair, and quite frankly insulting. You have agreed to do a great deal of driving for Lauren, therefore it is only appropriate to offer me the same favor. If you find yourself doing too much driving, then I would think that the wisest thing to do would be to cut back both Lauren’s driving trips and mine. This would not only give you the greatest amount of relief possible, but would also alleviate any…eh… ridiculosity…
  3. NEVER, EVER, EVER tell me my feelings are not real, or do not matter. They are as real to me as the pain in your back and the cold outside. If you do not believe you have ever said anything like this, then please accept this #3 as affirmation and hope that you never will in the future. If you find that I am becoming too emotional for you to desire dealing with, please just tell me. NICELY, please. If I am crying, it means things are happening in my head that are frightening me, or depressing me. If that happens, I am in a fragile state. I wouldn’t mind if you said, “You know what, I’m not quite sure how to work with/ talk to you the right way right now. I’d rather not say anything right now, because I don’t know what will upset you”. It’s like you always tell me, the more words you say, the more I’ll understand. Please do NOT say “I don’t want to deal with this right now” or “Why can’t we just have a nice, quiet night?”. Those things offend me. And really, the reason we can’t have a quiet night is because I am ill. I require help. Yes, I would imagine it’s hard to raise a troubled kid, but can you imagine how much harder it is to be one?
  4. Please, please, please take care of yourself. By you not taking the time to go to the doctor when you’re hurt/sick, you’re hurting the rest of us. Our family is like a team, and without our captain fully functional, we can’t operate efficiently. Not only that, but it troubles all of us to see you injured, sick, etc. I don’t know why you don’t get yourself the help you need. If it’s because you feel our activities are more important, they’re not. ALL of us would prefer that you’re feeling well and healthy. If it’s because you don’t want to spend the money, know that it’s well worth it. I’m not very well informed on the issue, but I figure if we have enough for three houses, we have enough for doctor visits. I’m sorry if these guesses have offended you, or haven’t even come close to the real reason. They really were just guesses. Just know that everyone, your family, and all of the lives you touch, want you and need you to be healthy and without pain. It causes us all unneeded stress when you’re not well, but yet you refuse to put yourself first, even for just one day.
  5. Please do not complain about me. Please do not make comments about how expensive my medications are. Yes, you’ve said it, though admittedly, you may not have realized at the time how much it affected me. I find that hurtful and embarrassing, and it makes me consider that perhaps you would prefer if I didn’t take the medication. Please do not complain about my doctor appointments. Yes, they’re inconvenient, yet I need them. Please do not laden me with unnecessary guilt. I’d love to stop feeling guilty, but I can’t, so that means you must stop those comments. If you don’t feel you’ve made any comments such as these, then please take this #5 as affirmation of what you’re already doing and remind yourself to continue not making these comments in the future.
And that’s it, at the moment. Thanks for listening to me. I don’t believe that any of these requests are unreasonable. If you do, I would hope you’d reconsider as I spent a great deal of time separating my unreasonable desires from my perfectly reasonable expectations, and this list is what resulted from the latter. Thanks again. I hope this works. 
 
-Kristen
 
 
 
 
 
So there we go, there’s my ultimatum.  Let me know if you think those things are reasonable, fellow tribemembers.  Thanks!
3 Comments
  1. Author
    FieryFox 13 years ago

    As another young person with OCD/depression issues, I think your letter is honest and reasonable. This way you have organized your thoughts clearly and cannot be interrupted. You made no personal attacks and five very good points. #3 is a biggie. It hurts so bad when people say insensitive things like that.

    Best of luck. I hope things mend between you and your mom.

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  2. Author
    rainingoctober 13 years ago

    My gosh – you are so well spoken for 17! I am dreadfully sorry about the obstacles you are facing concerning your mother. I hope it turns out better, and soon. You have such a grounding acceptance of the disorder. Kudos to you!

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  3. Author
    tziel 13 years ago

    Wow, nice letter. You were respectful, yet direct. I think  a parent would be receptive to this letter.  Let us know. Thanks for having the courage to share this.

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