I want change. Idon’t want to stay in my mother’s house with her boyfriend. Have her check everything Ido to make sure it is safe. Reading your blogs have proven to me that I need to try to move forward. Right out of high school and for five years after that, I have stayed in the same position. Sitting here, in front of my computer, watching movies, playing computer games, covering up the ocd with zoning out to the screen. Hiding from the world and afraid of what they would think of me if they knew the truth. I want a relationship, I want to have a family of my own, I want my own house. I want to hang out withfriends, I want to have a job, andI want to travel.

I feel my next step forward is to see a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist. I had gone to one before, but she was strange. Strange ideas, pushing religion onto me so I could use it as a crutch. She mostly talked about her problems instead of helping me make a plan to fix mine.There is something about them that really makes me very uneasy all together tho. I think I am one of the very few who would prefer a therapist office to look like a normaldoctor’s office. The counter, the table, the stool. It just feels so wrong walking into a place that feels like someone else’s house to spill my life’s problems while lounging on their couch.Idohave one picked out tho, but just not enough courage to call.I know if I were to call I would have a panic attack afterwards. But I really feel that that is the next step. But what if shemakes it worse? What if shedoesn’t know what todo? What if she wants me to take meds? What if I have a panic attack while there? What if she says there’s no hope? What if she isn’t professional? Sigh, I like to think I have a "what if?"disease. 🙂