Date: Monday, 29th August 2016
Its now Monday again…
Yay…
Can you sense my sarcasm?
I hate mondays, I usually wake up wanting to cry. I force myself out of the confines of my warm bed and into the freeing cold that is my room. Honestly even with the heater on I still feel like im going to cryogenically freeze. My parents are off aswell for the next two days, thats awesome.
Im scared of my mum, she doesn’t beat me she doesn’t drink alcohol or anything like that, im scared that when I wake up she is going to yell at me and then im going to have a “terrific” start to the day. That’s why I prefer dad to wake me up he’s more chill than mum. Mum always tells me that she is disappointed in me that I should be more like her…
It hurts, I try my best to make sure that it seems like im not in pain… Im good at that.
I don’t pick favorites, don’t think that I do, I love both of my parents equally. They can be equally awesome and equally scary, but mum yelling at me for not turning my heater off or for not making my bed isn’t the best start to what will already be a terrible day in the hierarchy of Hunter valley Grammar School. ?_?
The bus is great in the mornings, its peaceful, I can read and float away to somewhere else in my mind, but getting up and of the bus is quite nerve wracking I’m terrified that when I stand up an put my bag on my skirt will lift and everyone will be able to see what is underneath or that when I go to step in the isle that ill cut someone off and then start something… The walk to my locker isn’t any better.
The only place that I feel comfortable is in the library with my friends. My friends calm down my anxiety but I don’t think anyone knows that I have this problem… I’m really good at putting on a face, its my only talent… I really don’t want anyone to worry about me.
There are so many things I’m worried about, people finding out I’m Bisexual… People hating me for it… People leaving me because they found out, people not taking me seriously. I’ve come out to my parents… I don’t think that they believe that I’m serious, I hate it… They never believe me about anything… I’ll reiterate this… I’m terrified of my mum so coming out to her took a lot of courage but as soon as I told her she got “the look” on her face that told me that she thinks I’m just doing it for attention. (¬_¬)
That’s another reason why I’m so terrified… people have this belief that bisexuals are “greedy” and “will flirt with anyone that they meet” but I’m not like that… I’ve told my friends and they understand that but… I’m still terrified that someone will find out. But anyway lets get off this depressing topic…
I love Chinese food… I really do! But apparently not as much as my mum and sister does… They ordered $86 worth of Chinese food… $86!!! That’s crazy!? ? ?_? ?? It is for all 4 of us but still!!! But oh well… I’m kinda stressing out about my assessments and my Yearly’s, the one week a year where children pull their hair out trying to remember information that will ultimately do nothing to advance them and will most likely not even be in the Exam
… I’m gonna go and work on them now… Bye (• ? •)
***Hugs***
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with being bisexual, in my point of view. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: we can’t plan who we’ll fall in love with or be attracted to. i think you may be surprised at how many people your own age are feeling pretty similarly.
Secondly, the way you described trying to not worry anyone or have anyone worry about/over you, sounds so familiar to me. i tried to ‘be’ that way, especially when my own parents were having problems with their health and other family members. Sometimes, we feel like we should carry a huge part of the ‘load’–or at the very least, our own part. Is this making any sense to you? Granted, i’m just speaking from my own experience, but to try and shield the way we feel so as to protect others, as well as to some degree, ourselves, isn’t anything ‘new’… Just know that you’re not alone, here. And, there are several that are open to listening–non-judgmentally.