I had a good day today. I just read my last blog and things have taken a 180. I can’t remember the suffocating pain I was dealing with. I wish it could always be like this instead. Before it goes away I want to say what I need to with a clear head. When I feel like crap I’ll read this back, maybe that’ll help.

Today I woke up early, before my alarm even rang. I tried going back to sleep but it didn’t work and honestly I felt better getting out of bed instead of forcing myself to be in it. I read my daily text and prayed for strength, to thank Him for the day. Then I fulfilled my daily task. It wasn’t bad at all. I had therapy too.

I talked to her about my recent break down. About my struggles with mental health, about my deteriorating self image. It was very validating. I thought I was going crazy, that it was my fault that I had overreacted the other day. But she pointed out I’m actually shouldering a great responsibility. That I have the responsibility of a housewife basically. I never signed up for that. She also helped me take a big breath when she told me it’s not my job to raise my brother. In my mind it was, I was trying to avoid him ever feeling like I do but I can’t do that. Especially if everyone in the household doesn’t live by the same philosophies. All I can do is set clear boundaries with him and follow through. Not let him get under my skin.

She seemed to understand that it’s not easy to deal with him. That he’s stubborn. She convinced me that I can remove myself from the situation when it’s getting to be too much. That I can engage in something just for myself to calm down and give us both space. She also said I need to set clear expectations before we start and that way I can call him out if he’s doing something that’s not OK. And that I should talk to him with words he understands. Instead of saying Stop that, I can explain to him that I’m not having fun. I’m hoping our ideas will work.

She also told me to see a doctor and ask for a second opinion for a diagnosis. It felt good too, for her to acknowledge that I’m dealing with something bigger than myself. Something that taking a few deep breaths will not solve. I don’t know what it is exactly but I’m going to talk to my doctor about it and see what happens. Hopefully I will get some help and whoever sees me is open to listening to me.

I have a doctors appointment soon and although I was pretty nervous I realized, without mentioning to my therapist, that I have to advocate for myself. If there’s something that I’m uncomfortable I can say that out loud. Express my anxieties, and even tell my doctor straight up, I will not be doing that. Which is what I’m going to do actually.

There was also a bit of catharsis when it comes to my friend too. I was feeling very badly, so rough yesterday. I actually spoke to them. They ranted about themselves for over an hour and barely asked about me. Didn’t actually. And when I brought up some negative thoughts they said it was my own fault I was miserable. My feelings aren’t hurt, but upon further thought I realize that that isn’t the way to speak to a friend who is struggling. They also told me to not think the way I do. It made me angry yesterday but I couldn’t place why. Now I know it’s because it’s an insensitive and uninsightful thing to say. It’s a more convoluted way to tell a depressed person to stop being sad. They were condescending and insincere. Didn’t listen, not really. At one point I just cut them off because I was tired of hearing platitudes and said I hope I get better and they said I do too like they were barely paying attention and then started talking about themselves again.

I also realized that in my own way I was being too harsh. I felt neglected and abandoned the other day. Then they told me they were having some sort of romantic/sexual experience with someone they’ve been into for a while. I was annoyed that I was ignored most of the day. And honestly, I was ignored. But this person is making a life for themselves and they don’t have the time for me. Not to mention their experience was an extenuating circumstance. Sometimes stuff happens. It’s all good I’ve decided. I’ve gotta get over myself.

But they did say something that made me think. They talked about how and old SO is completely irrelevant to them now. I realized that if I were to make new friends and memories of my own, it wouldn’t hurt so much not to get equal amounts of energy back. Idk how to do that. But I think it’s important to remember that it’s possible. That the heartbreak I carry isn’t over love. That the constant thoughts aren’t love. They’re loneliness. And it doesn’t have to remain there forever.

I also made something today. Tried my hand at sewing. It doesn’t look very good but it felt amazing to do something again. To actually devote time to a project and keep going from start to finish. I also finished that book I was reading last night. I’m gonna start working on my health after I go to my doctors appointment and we discuss possible treatment.

Lastly, a few days ago in my last entry I compared having a chronic mental illness to having an ever gaping wound. I said I was full of maggots. I got very dramatic about it all. It’s fine, I won’t make fun of myself too much I guess I was in the zone. But following my own earlier example I have a few amendments.

Having a chronic mental illness feels like it will never heal. Like there’s always a fresh wound. But there’s more to be done than just fend off infection. Maybe it won’t close, but it doesn’t mean I’m bed ridden. I can clean it. Bind it. Nurse it. Be gentle with myself, understanding for the things I cannot do. But I can also get up. Walk around. Play outside. Make things. Meet people. Love them. All the while I’m injured. I don’t have to lay down and die. Don’t have to fill up with maggots. I can just live with it.

I do feel better today. I’m listening to music and enjoying it. I haven’t had intense anxiety. Even during therapy.

(I know I said lastly a while ago but there’s something else) My therapist talked to me about the negative feedback I’m getting about my appearance. She made a good point, which is, think about why people are telling you these things. What is the point of it? What do they expect you to do with the information? Are they planning to help you with the things they point out? Are they willing to do the work for you? Give you money to fix it? If they’re just talking crap for the sake of it, don’t place any value in it. That feedback isn’t coming from a useful and constructive place. And unless someone is actively helping you, then the things they say don’t mean anything.

Idk. I’m feeling a little sad right now. But it’s been a long day and reminiscing always brings a sort of bitter sweet feeling. But this doesn’t have to be the last happy day. Don’t worry. There will be others. And there’s so much time to get better. And you’re taking action to have that happen so don’t be overly hard on yourself.

Investing in your mind is priority right now. You don’t have to be OK all the time. Or right now.

Also. I think you need to acknowledge once and for all that your friend is objectively not a person you like. You have to let go of whatever weird romantic remnants exist. They bore you. They’re mean. They don’t have much to say despite how much they talk. And they don’t listen. It’s time, man. It’s time.