sorry i make it look like my life is a living hell.. its not really i mean we have our good days of course..hmm anyways. Yesterday was ok i mean i have a hurt leg and had to clean the pool but no complaints i guess not that i wasnt complaining then cause i obviously was.. well after cleaning the pool my moms bpyfriend thought it be a good pick on Tessa minute.. he said thats what you get for not going to shcool. Well look i go to shcool…or went its summer… anyways im not good at shcool the teachers all but one hate me.. i need to be back in prospect but i wont learn as much as last time..or maybe not. i went there 2008-9 half way through my teacher died…i was doing so well then he died.. i mean i can fake a smile really well…its when im really hurting people just think im hurting a little cause of how well i hide it when i cry…its bad get the thoughts of suicide and thoughts bout running and not coming back.. it always seems like theres always going to be someone better then me… i mean with my mom it was my older sister mandi but she left… and now its my little sister hannah.. and around all those are moms pathetic fiances husbands boyfriends….. i never do anything that bad i mean my little sister and i tell her to shut up and that shes stupid.. does it really hurt that much? i mean she tells me to kiss her ass…to me thats worse shes told us to fuck off or shut the fuck up and all those. DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE MY MOTHER! i do love her.. i just wish i could talk to her about how i feel.. but she has the depression and anxiety herself…  i dont think sh ewants to hear or believe that i have it… i know i have it.. i have all the things this sight talks about and other people as well.. i just can hide it better i like writing it… not much saying it. well anyways. Last night.. hell is all i can say really.. between 8:40 and 9:30 hell broke lose.. i mean my moms boyfriend showed his true colors.. he took off with a girl with moms 400 dollars and credit card.  i wanted to stand up for mom which is what lead to between 1:50 and 3:00 he kept txting her shit like maybe your bad at sex thats why you wont sleep with me. and telling her shes a player and stuff.. i just wanted to stick up for her..i just wanted to help.. but she kept telling me no then it lead to at least hannah is always by my side helping me through my struggles your always in your room.. well first off this isnt the first time shes had boyfriend problems and if she wont let me stick up for her then what? and seconed who helps me with mine?! who listens to me when i want to crumble and break?! NO ONE   beacause im to busy helping and worrying about them.. they just dont see it.. i mean im not just sleeping or on the computer in my room… i read the bible and i pray.. i write these… im trying in a way that doesnt cost money.. im helping my self.. with this site.. just need somewhere to vent. it helps. anyways i do miss treat my mom but its not like shes never done it to me… i know two wrongs dont make a right but.. i guess im just tired. i dont want to hear my mom had a brain tumor or maybe idk… i dont want to know her boyfriend miss treating her anymore… i may be little but i told her when she should have left… in most the situations she just never took the oppertunity.. its hot where we live… im sore im cramped and i have a mother going through problems.. me and my grandma and great grandma with altimers… i dont want this i didnt ask for this..i just ask for help maybe god gives it to me i just never see it.. i wish he would show me somehow to believe… its hard to believe what you cant see even if you should beileve.. i blind person never believes theyre going to walk into a ditch why should we.. i love my family…i know they think i dont but.. i want help too.. and no one seems to ask about my feelings… or do i just hide them that well… i mean i told my mom i thought i had problems and she said she thinks so too then another time she said i didnt… you never know with her.. shes always moving. my mother…. she is amazing she just want someone there forever…who will help with hannah and i… and take our pets no matter what. My father, he says it could always get worse… whats worse? i could be abused and beaten? i could not have parents? im losing one slowly…. she doesnt even love me cause i treat her so horrible…and the other hes in jail.. well just wanted to let it out.. thanks for listening